Diamond Dust

[Susan-Morris3]

We went on a mission, my brothers and me,a great adventure
just us three,
we loaded jars that once held jam, crammed to burst
in our Alan's pram.
Coal it seemed Dad confessed, would turn to diamonds
if compressed.
we made our way through cotton mills, till we arrived
at coal pit hills,
I remember well our Micheal cried, when he got
coal dust in his eyes.
We pushed pram, laden with our prized crop,sat our Alan
right on the top.
Mum and Dad never laughed so much, on seeing three small children
covered in soot.
later that night we where called outside, and in each jar
a shiny penny we spied,
The legend started, the story told, how Diamond dust
was turned to Gold.

[Arian]

Hi Susan. I thought this was a sweet story, nicely told. But I have reservations. In the first half, you set up a very strong meter, and an interesting centre-rhyme scheme (me/three, jam/pram etc), but both (meter and rhyme) seem to waver a bit with the line starting “we pushed pram”. But this could easily be tightened. My main crit would be, I think, that, for the first few lines, you seem to promise something either insightful or allegorical, but neither turns up. Just a sweet, but (to me) slightly twee memory.

Please don’t be offended – I’m hardly the most sophisticated critic on the planet. Others will give more constructive input. It’s just that I thought it started really well, but didn’t, somehow, deliver.

All the best
peter

[Susan-Morris3]

Thank you very much for your time in reading and replying, I am not at all offended by what you have to say, the reason I joined this group was to get genuine feedback to my attempt at poetry, I need and crave to improve, my ambition is to write with confidence. I appreciate your comments.x

[brianedwards]

We went on a mission, my brothers and me,a great adventure
just us three,
we loaded jars that once held jam, crammed to burst
in our Alan's pram.
Coal it seemed Dad confessed, would turn to diamonds
if compressed.
we made our way through cotton mills, till we arrived
at coal pit hills,
I remember well our Micheal cried, when he got
coal dust in his eyes.
We pushed pram, laden with our prized crop,sat our Alan
right on the top.
Mum and Dad never laughed so much, on seeing three small children
covered in soot.
later that night we where called outside, and in each jar
a shiny penny we spied,
The legend started, the story told, how Diamond dust
was turned to Gold.

Susan,

I mostly agree with Peter's appraisal. Light, twee, sentimental and insubstantial. The lack of depth and control of form suggests to me that this does not belong on the experienced board. I am having difficulty trying to offer constructive criticism as the work is so abecedarian.
It seems you are working with a memory that you personally find poetic and are trying to express that with poetic language. This approach leaves no space for the reader to experience the poem as it happens.
Light verse certainly has its place in contemporary poetry and many great poets have done interesting work in this mode, but I would argue that the best examples have some impact, something that resonates beyond the mere lining up of words.
One thing I would commend is the choice of meter. Though badly handled in places, tetrameter certainly fits the content. With some closer consideration of the formal scheme, I am sure you will find an audience for this poem. Just not sure this board is where you will find it.

Best wishes.

B.

~

[Ros]

Susan, I think you'll get better responses to this one in Beginners. If you want a deeper crit on anything you write, just say so after the poem and we'll bring on the heavies to give it a going over! I don't think this is ready for Exp yet.

as the work is so abecedarian

Brian, you could just say 'written by someone just learning the craft'!

Ros

[arunansu]

Though meter is something that I can hardly handle, I liked the flow of the poem. Perhaps a stronger close would be more effective. Liked the story, though.

[Susan-Morris3]

Than you for your honest opinions, And yes did post in the experienced forum to get a better run down of the mistakes I am making, so will take up your offer of asking the experts there views on my poetry from time to time, I want to write good if possible great poetry and although I am far from that, will keep trying until I ether succeed or go as far as is possible for me.
I am so disillusioned with other forums saying my poetry is brilliant, when I know it definitely is not. They seem to want to publish any old rubbish ( at a cost to me) in a book that no one will read but me. The poem above is one I sent of to just get a feel about what people thought, knowing it wasn't a brilliant poem. It was incredible the sparkling reviews I got, knowing full well they where undeserved. So was very happy to find this place that seemed to be just what I wanted. And I wanted the Truth. For how can I improve when I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
So thanks for your honesty. Errr had to look up the word abecedarian.Awch x

[Ros]

Ah, there are many sites that will say your poetry is great, either cos a) they're a bit of a 'love-in' and don't know how to tell good from less-good, or b) they are trying to get your money.

We'll try to point you in the right direction! It's always best if poets say what sort of crits they want - some are happy to poddle along as they are, writing nice but not earth shattering stuff, whereas others are eager to get to grips with the more technical stuff.

Ros

[Lovely]

Take it easy su it don't matter much where you put it: providing you grow more beauty by it.

Don't rush yourself--- there's no need now.

Enjoy everyone, and more, your 'true' and beautiful Self.......


x

[brianedwards]

Good on you Susan. Good attitude to have. As far as giving feedback is concerned, a good poet friend of mine summed it up nicely: "If we aren't honest, it's not worth a shit". Too bloody right.

Best of luck to you.

B.

~

[Susan-Morris3]

thanks everyone x

[Petronius]

..I can't add much to what has been said except to offer some advi ce on rhythm. Words of more than one syllable usually have
one or more syllables stressed as in cigarette i.e. xx/. Because of this we can make a pattern in our poetry. English seems to fall easily into an iambic pattern e.i. x/x/x/ etc. Whether one syllable words are stressed depends on their importance. This often indicated by the vowel becoming neutral e.g. I want that one not the other. " one" is obviously stressed. We say
"won" if it were unstressed it would sound like "wun". It is easy to begin to understand stress my comparing some English words to American English. e.g. Robin Hood /xx and ours xx/ and magazine: American /xx and ours xx/. Your poem starts in a very difficult pattern /xx /xx which it is very hard to sustain. I hope you don't feel I am patronizing you if you know all this already. There can of course be variations in a pattern. If you have any questions please ask. I know much about
technical matters even if I can't write good poetry myself. Keep at it. The material of the poem is good. P.

Sorry about the typing. Hope it's legible
.

P.S. The only poem I can bring to mind that sustain the meter in the first staza of your poem is


I galloped, Dirk galloped, we galloped all three. ad naus.

I think it's called: "How they brought the good news from Ghent to Aix."

[Suzanne]

Susan,
Just letting you know that I thought the story was very enjoyable. It is a good idea with good imagery. Very full of life.

It is pleasant to watch you learning as you go along. I can see the pleasure you take in writing through the words somehow. It seems to be just THERE.

Suzanne

[Susan-Morris3]

Thanks for all your help everyone i have been busy reading and studying poetry, to try and find my way, without losing what I want to say. Words flow quickly for me, yet I seem to keep getting things ....just wrong ??? Will keep trying as I love words and what they can evoke x

[Kelly]

I liked the story behind this, and the detail you have used.
It does feel that the language has been forced into a form, rather than sitting comfortably though. I wonder how it would work if you let the words speak for themselves and wrote more freely rather than to a rhyming scheme. I do know thats hard to do though once you've got the dah de dah rhythm in your head
Kelly