To my son.
I leave yet nothing,
have given not yet anything:
Not a breath
nor a gaze
nor the sound of life
or unison of bodies.
I will celebrate you my son
I will work hard and prepare for you
I will wake through no dream of you
And if I never meet you
oh son of mine.
You will not be forgotten.
For, I know you my son
and not in life were you born
To my son
This is intriguing, Ross, and a little troubling. I think I have a hunch what it is about, but it would be presumptuous of me to guess out loud.
Turning to the poetical mechanics of it, some of the phrases sound as though you feel you have to say things in a particular highflown way, because this is poetry. I'm not sure that's true. Something like "I leave yet nothing, / have given not yet anything" sounds a bit odd. Could you imagine yourself saying that? As a very rough rule, which I often ignore, probably wrongly:
if you wouldn't say it, don't write it.
Watch out for dodgy inversions as well, like "not in life were you born".
None of this invalidates what you're saying. I'm just talking about the ways in which you might say it.
Who are you, anyway? Tell us something about yourself.
Cheers
David
Turning to the poetical mechanics of it, some of the phrases sound as though you feel you have to say things in a particular highflown way, because this is poetry. I'm not sure that's true. Something like "I leave yet nothing, / have given not yet anything" sounds a bit odd. Could you imagine yourself saying that? As a very rough rule, which I often ignore, probably wrongly:
if you wouldn't say it, don't write it.
Watch out for dodgy inversions as well, like "not in life were you born".
None of this invalidates what you're saying. I'm just talking about the ways in which you might say it.
Who are you, anyway? Tell us something about yourself.
Cheers
David
This is Lovely and deep... thank you. Will say more soon ..... please take on
board (the above) to. I am a simple poet but love this heart of mine with
yours. There is energy here...... and I am a waiting Soul, as we all are.
Love your moves; could put it into music please forgive me.
x
board (the above) to. I am a simple poet but love this heart of mine with
yours. There is energy here...... and I am a waiting Soul, as we all are.
Love your moves; could put it into music please forgive me.
x
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Arian
- Perspicacious Poster
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Hi Ross. I think David has a fair point about forced phrasing – it can wreck a great idea in no time flat. In this case, I do think some of your constructions have an archaic, strained feel – which work against an otherwise deeply-felt and evocative piece. Interesting, though – thanks for posting it.
Cheers
peter
Cheers
peter
Rather than the technical aspects, I enjoyed the feel in it. Warm words.
Enjoyed.
Enjoyed.
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WobblyVern
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Can only echo previous sentiments. I also liked the feel, although the last portion left me a little troubled. Nice one.
The "atmosphere" within this poem is beautiful; it does what - it seems to me - many strong pieces of writing do and that is to affect and change your mood as you are reading it; I thought the following quote from the poem was particularly lovely,
"Not a breath
nor a gaze
nor the sound of life
or unison of bodies".
I may not understand this poem; however, I sometimes wonder if that matters; sometimes poems are as mysterious as some paintings or architectural designs; you stop, you gaze, you think whatever is it but by God its lovely. This too; surely.
On the one hand the atmosphere, the minimalist accent, the beauty, stillness, acceptance is enthralling but on the other hand, what on earth does it mean. I like most interested ordinary joes would love to know you see.
"Not a breath
nor a gaze
nor the sound of life
or unison of bodies".
I may not understand this poem; however, I sometimes wonder if that matters; sometimes poems are as mysterious as some paintings or architectural designs; you stop, you gaze, you think whatever is it but by God its lovely. This too; surely.
On the one hand the atmosphere, the minimalist accent, the beauty, stillness, acceptance is enthralling but on the other hand, what on earth does it mean. I like most interested ordinary joes would love to know you see.