I do not think, hope
Fret, worry, plan or pine
I soldier on
I do not dream
In this land of the dying
I soldier on
One scummy boot in front of the other
Following the blood smell left behind
From those high commands
Enfeebled friends of mine collapsed piteously
Some were scared and screamed through fear
Of dying (this way )
Others only crumple
Their spirit rushes away
And then before the final breath they are already gone
With their dead weight set against us
We trudged on and did what we could
To follow superiors orders and
Soldier on
Soldier On
How can I say I love this which is my weakness. What marvelous words here.
Becomes so small so tall.
The way it flows comes deep as I read this friend. and my arms are wide.
The more we study the greater becomes the heart and like atoms and their inner-worlds
which whirl in cosmic-balance as planets do High and low I think I love this poem friend.
Wicked , evil, call it what you will................it is good. These are only expressions...
David x
Becomes so small so tall.
The way it flows comes deep as I read this friend. and my arms are wide.
The more we study the greater becomes the heart and like atoms and their inner-worlds
which whirl in cosmic-balance as planets do High and low I think I love this poem friend.
Wicked , evil, call it what you will................it is good. These are only expressions...
David x
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Arian
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A strong start to this and a couple of nice lines, but, for me , the rest of the piece didn’t quite deliver on the promise. Partly, this is down to an (almost - S1 is punctuated, and is the better for it) total lack of punctuation. This may have been deliberate, to reflect the relentlessness of the march, but it also confuses the reader in places and is problematical to the rhythm. I also can’t help thinking that, for a theme such as this, the language is verging on the weak/prosaic/cliched (scared, screamed, crumple, final breath, trudged on etc). Perhaps it’s worth re-familiarising with Owen’s Dulce et.... not at all suggesting you copy another poet, but his piece (though quoted to the point of tedium) is unarguably a fine example of graphic language in the context of war/soldiering.
Sorry for being slightly negative, but I think this is a nice idea that could be a lot better.
Cheers
peter
Sorry for being slightly negative, but I think this is a nice idea that could be a lot better.
Cheers
peter
Last edited by Arian on Sat Sep 26, 2009 1:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
