The interference is minimal
and I feel excessively good.
In the East End
In between Bethnal Green
and Liverpool Street, he says,
"You wanna leaflet sister?"
Shoving it in my face.
Expressionless countenance
Look of tight-lipped alarm
Evangelical shoots from the elbow.
I say no politely and stop off
for Christmas baubles hardly noticing
that I feel fine. Alive like glittering
silver seas pouring over parched mouths
ages old
Selling me God
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zootsuitmod
- Productive Poster
- Posts: 92
- Joined: Mon Sep 08, 2008 12:50 pm
- Location: Our Pier burnt down.
The final stanza is fantastic. I love the picture of the baubles washing over parched mouths, great enalogy of the moral banckrupsy of a commercial Christmas.
[center]A poem will always find someone for whom it works and to whom it means something [/center]
I dont think I've critted you before so firstly welcome and secondly here goes..
I like poems that are firmly of a place so for me the poem gets going at In the East End. I would be tempted to start there.
Maybe also drop the tell-y bits, let the reader work some of it out. Doing that you would be left with
In the East End
In between Bethnal Green
and Liverpool Street, he says,
"You wanna leaflet sister?"
I say no politely and stop off
for Christmas baubles hardly noticing
that I feel fine
like glittering silver seas pouring
over parched mouths ages old.
Something like that.
cheers
elph
I like poems that are firmly of a place so for me the poem gets going at In the East End. I would be tempted to start there.
Maybe also drop the tell-y bits, let the reader work some of it out. Doing that you would be left with
In the East End
In between Bethnal Green
and Liverpool Street, he says,
"You wanna leaflet sister?"
I say no politely and stop off
for Christmas baubles hardly noticing
that I feel fine
like glittering silver seas pouring
over parched mouths ages old.
Something like that.
cheers
elph
-
Arian
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 2718
- Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 8:41 am
- antispam: no
- Location: Hertfordshire, UK
Hi brahms,
I liked the idea of this, nice title, and I see what effect you’re driving at. Or I think I do. In the event, though, the piece is to me an odd mixture of the mundane and the gnomic. From L1 to L12, you tell the story with almost total literalism, then - suddenly, no warning – deliver a poetic-sounding but impenetrable (to me – probably I’ve missed some obvious reference) climax.
For me, it would help if you either (a) made S1 and S2 more poetically interesting, or (b) made the denoument more accessible. How about both?
All the best
peter
I liked the idea of this, nice title, and I see what effect you’re driving at. Or I think I do. In the event, though, the piece is to me an odd mixture of the mundane and the gnomic. From L1 to L12, you tell the story with almost total literalism, then - suddenly, no warning – deliver a poetic-sounding but impenetrable (to me – probably I’ve missed some obvious reference) climax.
For me, it would help if you either (a) made S1 and S2 more poetically interesting, or (b) made the denoument more accessible. How about both?
All the best
peter
I can only add that I liked the piece and Elphin's suggestions. Smiles.