Another
When covers his eyeballs with cardboard;
Plaited straw for a pillow, and pissed on,
One is a victim of urban success;
Very powerful description ,
One is but a dust hermit, porous victim,
Socking up the filth of the street;
That mint the unvoiced age groups of the street
In your poem, it had a lot of hate;
A visual intensity to it;
tool
Plaited straw for a pillow, and pissed on,
One is a victim of urban success;
Very powerful description ,
One is but a dust hermit, porous victim,
Socking up the filth of the street;
That mint the unvoiced age groups of the street
In your poem, it had a lot of hate;
A visual intensity to it;
tool
Dear Ian,
I can feel the sheer intensity of the piece. Throbbing. The visuals are disturbing but they bring the desired effect. Very well written. No real nits.
Thanks for sharing such a thought-provoking poem.
I can feel the sheer intensity of the piece. Throbbing. The visuals are disturbing but they bring the desired effect. Very well written. No real nits.
Thanks for sharing such a thought-provoking poem.
Powerful imagery here. S1 made me laugh and chuckle..know what you mean mate.
If I saw those kebabs on the floor thrown by thoughtless drunks I would need a mid-night swim away from them all. I live in Whitstable so perhaps the sea for me is not that far
in the dead of night....
this is excellent
If I saw those kebabs on the floor thrown by thoughtless drunks I would need a mid-night swim away from them all. I live in Whitstable so perhaps the sea for me is not that far
in the dead of night....
this is excellent
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John G
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The images painted does give the image of a proud man, fighting against adversity but I think that the subject matter has been tackled before and unfortuntley I don't think adds anything new.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.
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Suzanne
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Hi Ian,
The idea of stepping into this guys shoes and showing us a slice of life is interesting. I am happy that you have so much to say and that the images you have shown us seem to flow freely from your mind. There is not a sense of force behind your words, I think it must have just rolled off your tongue.
I have a problem with your use of commas. It seems you have them where they need not be and leave them off where they should be.
Seeing as I have been gone for a month or two, and am not sure if you are interested in editing your work, which I can you care deeply about, I was wondering how you came to use your commas.
I am one who wings it so my line breaks and most other things but find that beneath me, I have some rattling rational I have created. lol.
I would love to hear as I find will find it insightful when reading your work.
Suzanne
The idea of stepping into this guys shoes and showing us a slice of life is interesting. I am happy that you have so much to say and that the images you have shown us seem to flow freely from your mind. There is not a sense of force behind your words, I think it must have just rolled off your tongue.
I have a problem with your use of commas. It seems you have them where they need not be and leave them off where they should be.
Seeing as I have been gone for a month or two, and am not sure if you are interested in editing your work, which I can you care deeply about, I was wondering how you came to use your commas.
I am one who wings it so my line breaks and most other things but find that beneath me, I have some rattling rational I have created. lol.
I would love to hear as I find will find it insightful when reading your work.
Suzanne