Injured- edit

[Suzanne]

Injured


I wake cautiously
to avoid jostling the cold knife
wedged in my heart.

Your absence sliced me open
left me vulnerable
to the yearning
that relentlessly pounds
at the door of my heart.

I keep my eyes closed
to shut out the coming day
but tears seep from their depths
prompting me to move
through the pain of missing you.

Softly, I place my feet
back on the ground
and weep for the day to end
before it's even begun.


.↲Edit removed not moving needlessly l2.

[Pauline]

Oh Suzanne, Bloody hell, I could weep. I feel your pain. What an emotional read.
Every word gripped my heart. You captured your heartache and poured it out fantastically. Very well done. Thank you.

[tool]

Euripides wrote about love
And the sad tears and inharmonious breath;
It can extinguish everything;
There is a passion in your poetry;
Passion writes poetry,
Poetry writes passion;
All under a sky good and bad,
tool

[kimibob]

Hi,
what a powerful and emotionally charged piece. I guess we can all relate. I was just wondering if you could lose 'needlessly' in S1? The second stanza seems to dilute the first to me as It says the same thing as in the previous verse. I found the imagery in S1 really good. If it went from S1 to S3 would it be stronger? I'm not sure. Really liked the last stanza.

Thank you for your poem,
Kimibob

[Suzanne]

pauline, thank you for you encouraging. "bloody hell" never sounded so good.

tool, thank you for your kind words. I do write with passion, i love to write.

Kimibob, thanks for the crit. i am going to leave things as they are right now but appreciate you input very much.

Warmly,
Suzanne

[arunansu]

Suzanne,
I think S1 and S4 are the stronger ones. Specially S1, the feel of a "cold knife". Excellent. Somehow the middle portion lacks the power a bit, but you made up for it in the last strophe. Excellent read. Enjoyed.

[Suzanne]

Thank you Aru, I am begining to see my voice have a set default that has surming begining and endings but gets softer in the middle. I wonder if it is something to improve or work on or is it a find thing. ? I would like to write a little longer poems and i wonder if I challenged that pattern, they would flow. Hmmm, maybe. ?

Warmly,
Suzanne

[ray miller]

I think the 2nd verse would be better without the last line: "vulnerable/ to the yearning/ that relentlessly pounds". I didn't think it ended as strongly as it might have; you've already said that tears are seeping and you're weeping again at the end. You're becoming melancholic!

[Suzanne]

Ray,
Me? melancholic? Oh... lol.

This one was written a while ago, I have one or two more in this vein and then..

Well! I do believe I will have it out of my system. lol. I feel an upbeat draft building beneath my feet. ( yes, I know I should have said wings, but you know, it is me... and I like to tell you what my feet are doing. lol. )

Thanks for the input on the last line. I might agree with you. lol. I have agreed with you so often these days that people are going to start thinking you are my poetry guru... But wait! you are! Did I say guru? I meant mentor.

Warmly appreciating your input,
Suzanne

[ray miller]

Ha! You've little to learn from me,gal!Yes, I noticed in another of your poems that your feet were stumbling again. Put them up for a spell, see a chiropodist, stop baring your sole!

[Suzanne]

LOL!