Yearning
For some the scent of chemicals
release the feral germ and send
it snarling forward, fearless and untamed.
For others, a gentle wisp of hope
brushes against a forlorn cheek
and brings a blush of well-sealed fate.
For a few the seed will never grow,
a parched and barren field of want,
a gargoyle looking down on those
who feel the throw of rice and
suffer solo the ache of desolate,
whilst grinning through empty eyes.
New edited version
For some the scent of chemicals
releases the feral germ and sends
it snarling forward, fearless and untamed.
For others, a gentle wisp of hope
brushes against a forlorn cheek
and brings a blush of well-sealed fate.
For a few the seed will never grow,
a parched and barren field of want,
a gargoyle looking down on those
who feel the throw of rice and
suffer solo the ache of the desolate,
whilst grinning through empty eyes.
Yearning
So well painted, Kimibob. I just love S1 and S2:
For others, a gentle wisp of hope
brushes against a forlorn cheek
and brings a blush of well-sealed fate
Excellent use of imagery in S3 and S4. Wonderfully expressed. Enjoyed.
For others, a gentle wisp of hope
brushes against a forlorn cheek
and brings a blush of well-sealed fate
Excellent use of imagery in S3 and S4. Wonderfully expressed. Enjoyed.
I like this, kimibob.
You need to watch your compound nouns, though. "The scent of chemicals" is a singular one, despite the fact that it ends in "chemicals" (a plural), so you need "releases" and "sends" to agree with it.
Also, forgive me for banging on about this, but "the ache of desolate" is another of those weird constructions you use on occasion. I think it was Peter (arian) who pointed out that adjectives tend not to be used like that. Grammatically - which is quite a different thing from poetically, of course, but they're not mutually exclusive - you might say "the ache of desolation" or "the ache of the desolate".
Biblical allusion in S3? Not sure where the gargoyle came from.
Still. Good one.
Cheers
David
You need to watch your compound nouns, though. "The scent of chemicals" is a singular one, despite the fact that it ends in "chemicals" (a plural), so you need "releases" and "sends" to agree with it.
Also, forgive me for banging on about this, but "the ache of desolate" is another of those weird constructions you use on occasion. I think it was Peter (arian) who pointed out that adjectives tend not to be used like that. Grammatically - which is quite a different thing from poetically, of course, but they're not mutually exclusive - you might say "the ache of desolation" or "the ache of the desolate".
Biblical allusion in S3? Not sure where the gargoyle came from.
Still. Good one.
Cheers
David
Hi David,
thanks for pounding me on the head about my slack use of grammar. I am a lazy sod at times and didn't really look at this piece too closely. I am still fairly new to the poetry thing, but thanks to you and others I hope I am improving. I certainly am learning a lot!
The gargoyle reference is to tie in with the rice, and the idea of weddings. Most churches have them and I wanted to tie in with the last line, so the reader gets an image of a grinning gargoyle and a person smiling through melancholy. Well, that's what I wanted to try and do.
Have edited the poem with your suggestions used.
I've learnt more from my few weeks on this forum than the many years I spent in education. Either that, or I just didn't pay attention when I was there!!!
Thanks again, great feedback,
Kimi
thanks for pounding me on the head about my slack use of grammar. I am a lazy sod at times and didn't really look at this piece too closely. I am still fairly new to the poetry thing, but thanks to you and others I hope I am improving. I certainly am learning a lot!
The gargoyle reference is to tie in with the rice, and the idea of weddings. Most churches have them and I wanted to tie in with the last line, so the reader gets an image of a grinning gargoyle and a person smiling through melancholy. Well, that's what I wanted to try and do.
Have edited the poem with your suggestions used.
I've learnt more from my few weeks on this forum than the many years I spent in education. Either that, or I just didn't pay attention when I was there!!!
Thanks again, great feedback,
Kimi
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ray miller
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 7482
- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
I liked this a lot."a gargoyle looking down on those who feel the throw of rice and suffer solo the ache of the desolate" especially good.Well crafted.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
you seem to stick with the meaning and explode I think this is good not different but good.
It is hard to tell deep at times......you really have to work...the time given to you
can be sudden to us all
the planets rule........
it speakes because she must
cheers
It is hard to tell deep at times......you really have to work...the time given to you
can be sudden to us all
the planets rule........
it speakes because she must
cheers
Hi Lovely.
thank you for your comments. You will be relieved to know that I have not exploded. Not sure what you mean by it not being different, different to what?
Is it hard to 'tell deep'? Is my poem deep? No. Not everything is, not everything has to be to be 'good'. I will try to follow your advice and 'you really have to work', I know that my poems are not all that good and I know that I have a long way to go before I can call myself a poet. I am learning and I dare say always will.
Shall not post any more poems until I feel they are up to some kind of standard.
Thanks again,
Kimi
thank you for your comments. You will be relieved to know that I have not exploded. Not sure what you mean by it not being different, different to what?
Is it hard to 'tell deep'? Is my poem deep? No. Not everything is, not everything has to be to be 'good'. I will try to follow your advice and 'you really have to work', I know that my poems are not all that good and I know that I have a long way to go before I can call myself a poet. I am learning and I dare say always will.
Shall not post any more poems until I feel they are up to some kind of standard.
Thanks again,
Kimi
Hey Kimi please don't stop posting. I love your poems.
Look at some of the shite I put on. I can't write anything like you, I wish that I could.
Please believe in yourself, you offer so much. It's been said that I write greetibgs cards, lol, but I'm not going to be put off.
Keep em coming Kimi.
Look at some of the shite I put on. I can't write anything like you, I wish that I could.
Please believe in yourself, you offer so much. It's been said that I write greetibgs cards, lol, but I'm not going to be put off.
Keep em coming Kimi.
Hmmm... the difference between an article and thing is quite simple to master, Mr Tool.
The former being a collection of things. Much alike a social disease, actually. Whereas the later is/ought not to be the, nor us, nor of we inferences.
While I like it, it reads like a local Polly Pony on the platform of making rhetorical pledges to his legions only... AGAIN!
What I am saying is to make it more personal and concise.
signed
rootbeet
PS: even as a child I'd demand a plastic sheet over my Carousel Pony or Swan
The former being a collection of things. Much alike a social disease, actually. Whereas the later is/ought not to be the, nor us, nor of we inferences.
While I like it, it reads like a local Polly Pony on the platform of making rhetorical pledges to his legions only... AGAIN!
What I am saying is to make it more personal and concise.
signed
rootbeet
PS: even as a child I'd demand a plastic sheet over my Carousel Pony or Swan