My Morning Path

[arunansu]

I saunter along a pathway

flanked by mist-blurred wisterias,
gaunt boughs jutting out of emptiness

Gravel beneath my feet
whispers in an unknown dialect,
infrequent sun-shafts pierce the haze

*******************


Cherita Version :

Sorry. It's deleted, as of now.

[Suzanne]

Aru,
You have such a richness about you. American me likes Exotic you, you give me new images in my head.... I live in a grey place. your always, always have more a hint of colour, even you greys are brighter.

"gaunt boughs jutting out of emptiness" was a great line.

Suzanne

[arunansu]

Thanks Suzanne. Yes I like that line too, but Cherita is a very concise form, and I wonder whether the lines in the first version are a bit longish. Hence I had to write the later version, yet I'm uncertain whether it can be called a Cherita. Smiles.

[Dalena]

Arunasu

Perhaps an improvised Cherita? Unless you want to follow the exact criteria of the form which I suspect might itself have evolved.
Some glorious images in this tight form.......I'm stuck between the two as they both have merits.
Have you considered working the shorter version to include a closing image like you have used in the longer version?

Dalena x

[arunansu]

Thanks a lot, Dalena, for the hint. I have revised Version II. Smiles.

[Yesterday]

HI, I'm not really sure what version I just read, But I loved it.

Very rich, lyrical and beautiful

That's all I can say

[beetroot]

I saunter along a pathwaya

flanked by mist-blurred wisterias,b
gaunt boughs jutting out of emptinessb

Gravel beneath my feet ????
whispers in an unknown dialect, huh?... i'd use street for in, and phrase for dialect or vice versa?
infrequent sun-shafts pierce the haze

The obvious assonance of part and internal rhymes seem fine to me here, A. But studied it quickly!
gerunds are awful in anything unless there's no other way around them.

L2 is awful... can you rearrange it somehow?
L3 is cliche ... gavels for gravels and or taunts/haunts (gaunt) for beneath!

Much potential, A

[arunansu]

Thank you Yesterday and Beetroot for your replies and the time on this.

[Lovely]

very very dear Aru, it is a glorious song to light. You have found being and expression in beauty here

your humility is a lesson for us all.........I really loved

So nice friend

[anniecat]

I like the visual images i'm getting, is it telling or is their more, very nice

[arunansu]

Thank you Lovely and Anniecat for the encouragement. Thanks.