You fill me

[Suzanne]

You fill me

Focused on my keyboard,
filled to the brim,
with letters on the tips of my fingers,
hands ready to comply, I become
a diffused mist, airborne with no substance.



.

[Lovely]

Blue .

[Suzanne]

Think it needs another edit? Lol. Where are the masters of the rewrite?

[Dalena]

Hi Suzanne

I liked your depiction of the idea of being unable to articulate things that represent actual feelings and get them down on paper.
I'm sure a lot of poets suffer a similar set of issues. I'd say that a person in such a position is on one hand fortunate to
have such a set of feelings, on the other I can understand the frustration element. Perhaps it's easier to write what's envisaged
within a particular set of allusions as opposed to the items surrounding a sense of contentment?
The last line is a pleasant image and does well to underscore the conditions described in the preceding text.
Editing wise, you could probably trim away in a few areas while being mindful of keeping the concept in tact which might
strengthen those ideas and enable you to have a little more edge to the poem.

It'll be interesting to see what others make of it

Thanx

Dalena

[Marc]

Aah, an interesting piece Suzanne. You've edited it a bit since I first read it. Initially I read it as directed towards a remote third party, perhaps a fantasy figure, and a sort of unrequited love,(partly perhaps because of 'the invisible realm we've created' ), whereas now it feels more like a straightforward 'you're always on my mind' kind of poem - albeit a poem ostensibly about writers block. I think... maybe I was just 'hearing' it differently!

Anyway nicely written,

Marc

[Suzanne]

Thank you Dalena and Marc,

After some thought, I have to say... I can do better. It is driving me nuts that whatever it is trying to say seems to be eluding me. I will ponder and write it again. lol.

If my mind begins to engage again! There are temptations and distractions every where!

I appreciate your input, both of you.

Warmly,
Suzanne

[Marc]

OK Suzanne,
here's a shorter edit fwiw. I'm trying to distill but not sure I've got it. I think there are two separate poems here - one about writers block, one a love poem. Can you marry them together? ...
Marc

Focused on my keyboard,
filled to the brim,
with letters on the tips of my fingers,
hands ready to comply, I become
a diffused mist, airborne with no substance.

I have no poetry in my head these days,
just fragmented thoughts of you.

Why is it these sparks of life
refuse to be caught
and contained within words?

Everyday, I carry you in my pocket,
or in my mouth, I hold you on my tongue
and yet, if I want to quietly find you,
think of you, touch you, just look at you-

I can't.

My mind separates
from my present moment,
runs to meet you somewhere
in that invisible realm we've created
and I drift with ease into you...

until the air of today leaves my room,
the blood in my body ceases to flow,
my heart begins to melt and I forget
everything I am supposed to be doing.





.[/quote]

[Suzanne]

Ahhhh, much better.
I liked that last line so added it back in.

It is so very............................. me. lol

Thanks Marc. I have a few other ideas and will even work harder on this! Yes!

Warmly,
Suzanne

[anniecat]

I got the idea but thought it was a love story crossed with writers block....much better now AC