Salvation (edit)

[Dalena]

Salvation

Her bulbous knuckles are hooked around rails.
I watch her straighten in her chair, then raise
her heavy feet onto the rests, I ease a tortoiseshell-
brush through the sparseness of her hair. Buttons on her coat
face the door and brighten as the wheels beneath her
creak, bump over the threshold and onto the pavement.
Skin around her ankles jars with the burden of fluid
which has stubbornly resisted an onslaught of tablets.
Kneeling by her side I’m watching through each of her breaths,
they momentarily dull the shine of brass in the bandstand.
A lone tuba rasps a few notes. She lifts her head,
shifts her hands until her fingertips protrude from
her blanket. The whole of the band begins tunefully,
polishing her eyes it seems, a rendering of silent night.
I can’t help wondering if I’ll be here next year
then I replace that thought and ponder, I’ve heard the songs
of whales are being sung in deeper voices




Salvation (original)

Her bulbous knuckles are hooked around rails.
I watch her straighten in her chair, then raise
her heavy feet onto the rests, I ease a tortoiseshell-
brush through the sparseness of her hair. Buttons on her coat
face the door and brighten as the wheels beneath her
creak, bump over the threshold and onto the pavement.
Skin around her ankles jars with the burden of fluid
which has stubbornly resisted an onslaught of tablets.
Kneeling by her side I’m watching through each of her breaths,
they momentarily dull the shine of brass in the bandstand.
A lone tuba rasps a few notes. She lifts her head,
shifts her hands until her fingertips protrude from
her blanket. The whole of the band begins tunefully,
polishing her eyes it seems, a rendering of silent night.
I can’t help wondering if I’ll be here next year
and momentarily my thoughts wander, I’ve heard the songs
of whales are being sung in deeper voices.


~*~
edited tuber/tuba........silly me

[twoleftfeet]

I think this is very well written, but I have to confess that I don't understand the exit line.

The tone of the ending would also suggest that the Narrator is not a close relative (he said, guessing). or else the old
lady in question is very old and everyone is resigned to her dying some time soon.

Interesting use of "jars" - is this a reference to shape?

I liked "onslaught of tablets" and "polishing her eyes"

Good 'un
Geoff
btw tuber/tuba ?

[Lovely]

You are so honest. I so much like this.

Dave

[Dalena]

Thank you Geoff

Your'e absolutely right about the tuba/tuber I'm glad you pointed that out as I'm not too familiar with wind instruments
Jars is a bit of a double whammy which I'm hoping I'll get away with. I wanted it to be both the impact and a containment allusion
and couldn't think of anything better that would keep it compact. The last line is meant to be my grasping at a thought that is
far distanced from the possibility of her death before another seasonal outing. The low notes of the tuber might have steered my
mind to the factual information I have closed with. It was a natural thought, not contrived in any way and I liked that purity,
but will give it some thought and see how it looks with a fresh pair of eyes in the near future.

Thank you lovely

I'm glad you liked the read

Dalena

[wildmountainthyme]

dalena,why do i always feel guilty after reading you? i enjoy but i always feel like i'm sneaking a peek at the lodgers diary.such private thoughts. good writer.
dan

[Suzanne]

Dalena,
Nice to see you around.

I could smell this poem. Nursing homes and volunteer work memories.
This was very enjoyable. I think that you could post in the experienced board, I am sure of it. you might get some good feedback.
One thing I really like about your writing is its connection to the past. It seems the place that you write from usually ties back to strong memories of childhood.
I really enjoy it.

thanks,
Suzanne

[anniecat]

Very real read thanks, i wonder ( button her coat) mabe.
Jars, jar is a jerk, sudden yank, i recall my Mum saying she had jarred her neck once, not heard that for ages, nice read, random whale thoughts ha ha AC.

[Lake]

Hi Dalena,

A very good poem. I like the way the narrator speaks in a slow and quiet tone of voice. The description is vivid and accurate. The word "momentarily" is used twice, not sure if it is your intention.

Enjoyable read, thanks.

Lake

[Yesterday]

Hi,

I really liked this. Loved the gentleness and calmness with which it was told.
I liked
'I ease a tortoiseshell-
brush through the sparseness of her hair.'
I thought 'jars' was [b]very[/b] clever
I was wondering whether you should add an 's' for 'face' in line 5
i.e.

'.........................................Buttons on her coat
faces the door and brighten as the wheels beneath her
creak, bump over the threshold and onto the pavement. '

Or was I reading it wrong?

I was wondering about the title as well. Was it a reference to the Narrator's Salvation, the Subject's Salvation, or even a clever reference to 'Silent Night'? Perhaps I'm being a little Dense... But could you please explain

Loved the last line, its fantastic, and made me re-read the whole poem again from new eyes (a few times actually)

[twoleftfeet]

My guess is that it refers to the Salvation Army band.

[Yesterday]

ahhh...
of course -

just me being dense

Thanx

[Dalena]

Thanx Guys, Some very useful input.

Dan, I’m glad you connected with the subtleties of the poem, I’m encouraged by that, thank you.

Suzanne,

Thank you for reading commenting, I appreciate your time.

Anniecat/Yesterday

I’m drawing a parallel, using the buttons and the brightening of her eyes later in the poem and wanted to use the image of light striking the buttons to draw a subtle comparison and show contrast between her existence in her home and going out and having a release from the confinement of indoors. I am still thinking about that part of the poem as Yesterday has suggested “faces” which I would have used had it been a single item, as I think “buttons on her coat and faces” would be awkward as there are several buttons on her coat and the S sound would get a little out of hand.
Thanx, I’m still thinking about it

Lake,

Well spotted, the second instance of “momentarily” in the closing lines is where I struggled a bit with this poem, I’m glad you mentioned it as I have altered that line and hope the revision reinforces what I’m trying to achieve in that area of the poem whilst removing the second instance of the word. Thank you.

Geoff, you are absolutely right

Thanx

Dalena