The Pain of Independence

[Suzanne]

The Pain of Independence



In sorrow, I'll walk away from you
and you can take my shoes,
throw them over the cliff, watch me
plummet into the recesses of the awkward.

And I will hold my hands
in the air and wail about the things
I have made concrete
by putting them into words
only to bind myself into my own hell,
where each bitter shard
is tucked beneath my flesh.

And there will be fat tears
to fill these empty honey jars;
love's nectar, I wanted to make for you,
someday, your tongue will long for the taste
of my sweet toil and find only my tears.

But for tonight, pour me out upon your table,
consume me, for I am weary of navigating
through the chaos of my heart
and I can no longer try
to weave it into something beautiful
or put it into pretty frames
just to sell it to the dead.








---------------Original-------------
I will put my tail between my legs
and walk away, you can take my shoes,
throw them over the cliff, watch me
plummet into the recesses of the awkward.

And I will hold my hands
in the air and wail about the things
I have made concrete
by putting them into words
only to bind myself into my own hell,
where each bitter shard
is tucked beneath my flesh.

And there will be fat tears
to fill these empty honey jars;
love's nectar, I wanted to make for you,
someday, your tongue will long for the taste
of my sweet toil and find only my tears.

But for tonight, pour me out upon your table,
consume me, for I am weary of navigating
through the chaotic angst of my heart
and I can no longer try
to weave it into something beautiful
or put it into pretty frames
just to sell it to the dead.

So, I beg you to love me
though I am most unworthy,
then let me leave you
as I can do nothing
but cause you more pain.





.

[Ros]

Some great phrases here - partic.

where each bitter shard
is tucked beneath my flesh.

and

or put it into pretty frames
just to sell it to the dead.


I'm less taken with love's nectar and sweet toil - too obviously poetic, if you see what I mean. And I'd end at dead (won't we all?) - the last sections are rubbing it in, where the poem has already said it all.

Ros

[zootsuitmod]

"And there will be fat tears
to fill these empty honey jars;
love's nectar, I wanted to make for you,
someday, your tongue will long for the taste
of my sweet toil and find only my tears."

That is a fantastic stanza, very heartfelt and moving. From one who knows first hand, I wish I had written those lines.
I loved the images and metaphors used, but I did struggle a bit with the flow. Perhaps the removal of a few commas would help it to flow better.

[firefly]

I really enjoyed reading this poem. The first three stanzas are, for me very good, but the last stanza, I found, didn't flow so well . I like it up to the line 'I can no longer try' and, when I read it,it seems to finish at that point. All in all though, I think your poem is heartfelt and it manages to convey the emotion behind it well. A nice write!

[Suzanne]

Ros,
Thank you for your comments. I am glad that you liked those bits, it is always pleasing to get that sort of feedback, especially when the phrase was spontaneous.

Zootsuitmod,
I am glad that you changed your mind and are still around. I am very glad you liked this and am humbled at your words.

firefly,
Welcome to Pg. Thank you for the reply. I am glad that you could feel some emotion behind the words.

Warmly,
Suzanne

[anniecat]

Suzanne your imagination and heart felt words are so good, as is a lot of others on here, i don't see why i'm on here,
i want to see, what you see and feel

[Suzanne]

no, you don't.. it tends to hurt. lol

but warm thanks anniecat... that is very nice.

[Arian]

Not ignoring this, Suzanne, but tight for time recently. Will be back.

hope you're keeping warm!
peter

[ray miller]

Shoes! Again!
I didn't like the opening line and I thought two phrases, "recesses of the awkward" and "chaotic angst of my heart" were, well, awkward, really.Liked most of the rest, especially the last couple of lines.

[Suzanne]

Oooh! Great, Ray!
A challenge for me to change think of those bit you found awkward. Hmmm, I will do that.
Shoes, pockets, hands, feet... hmmm, what is the meaning? There might be some thing to it all.....
must be a subconscious message, I say as I wink and smile.

I am really glad you liked the last lines.
Thanks for the reply,
Suzanne

[David]

Some great phrases here

Yes, that's what I thought.

Heartfelt as well, I think. Very good.

Cheers

David

[Arian]

Hi Suzanne,
If I’m honest, this isn’t one of my favourites from you. There’s some very creative lines, such as

where each bitter shard
is tucked beneath my flesh

and the rhythm, as always with your work, is hard to fault. I also like its plaintive, slightly anguished (but also slightly self-conscious) mood. At the same time, I couldn’t help thinking that some lines were a trifle forced (see Ray’s comment), and one or two others don’t carry the freshness you normally treat us to (love’s nectar, weave it into something beautiful and others). I’m not convinced, either, by the repetition of tears in s3. I’m glad you dropped the original first line, though.

So, overall, a 6/10 from me. For me, it’s (if you understand the remark) a curate’s egg. Worth working on.

All the best
peter

[Suzanne]

Thank you Peter,
I appreciate your honesty. It is pleasantly unsettling that you saw it as "less fresh" than my usual stuff.
I will take it as a healthy challenge!

The love's nectar/sweet toil lines, well.. I pull my unread/uneducated/green poet-card out to show you!
I only saw that it was "poetic" and therefore seemed forced after a few replies.
I can see it now, have even tried to think of a new way to say it... I will seriously consider reworking.

Funny thing about this poem is that it was not forced at all, it was a real passionate roll off my tongue to the page.

The replies to this one have been great to hear because it makes me want to do better.

Thanks to all who have made comments.

Warmly,
Suzanne