the end

[wildmountainthyme]

Oh now mother, hear your son,
Go on and pick me out a gun,
So i can go and kill some other, mothers son,
Please don't stand and hesitate,
I have to seal, anothers fate,
tonight the world will hear, a mother cry.
I wish that i was going home,
I'm tired of this bloody land I roam,
I want to be with my family,
And have my sweetheart holding me,
There's something coming, on the breeze,
I hear it whistle, through the trees,
Now I'm down on bended knees,
Oh mother I'm bleeding, help me please.
Lying on my back I see,
The stars look down and smile on me.
And my warm blood, spills out cold,
One more young boy, who won't grow old,
And those dreams I had,
Those plans I made,
Lie buried here,in my cold grave.

[arunansu]

Loved the read, the feel of repentance. As if someone's confessing his guilt. There's a sense of compulsion throughout.


I'm tried of this bloody land
-"tried" or "tired"? Smiles.

Like the way it has been ended. Thanks for sharing. Interesting read.

[wildmountainthyme]

thanks arunansu. well spotted spell error.
dan

[Arian]

A brave attempt at capturing a self-recriminating tone. Strong sense of mood. For me, the rhythm is rather uncertain, though. This would be (partly) solved by sorting the punctuation (e.g. wrongly-placed commas after “other” (l3), “seal” (l5), “hear” (l6), and making anothers possessive (another’s) etc .).

But, dammit, now you've got me humming...

Mama just killed a man
Put a gun against his head
Pulled my trigger, now he's dead
Mama, life has just begun
But now I've gone and...
Etc


Cheers
peter

[mesmie]

hello Dan

The thought of his mum picking out a gun for him jeeez..

Anyhow..I thought this a thoughtful write so good on you! I remember reading that many soldiers ask for their mum when wounded or dying..

Do you think splitting up your poem into smaller verses would help the reader
digest your poem more easily? That is a personal like though lol..

thanks for the read
mes

[anniecat]

I loved this but gosh how sad had it been longer i would of shed a tear or two, it brings reality to light. well done

[wildmountainthyme]

thanks for commenting everyone.
war eh? what is it good for? can you finish that one peter?
dan

[Lovely]

I agree with the above, it is good.

[Arian]

war eh? what is it good for? can you finish that one peter?

Sadly, Dan, I didn't even have to resort to google - I'm old enough to remember it. Absolutely nothin' - an opinion that Undershaft would have refuted completely.

cheers
peter