Paralysis

[zootsuitmod]

Paralysis

My body aches for your soft touch
That calming hand that soothes all ills,
But though I miss you, oh so much
Some future life I can’t instil.
My heart cries out “I love you”,
But to move my lips refuse
My brain screams out “I need you”,
But my phone remains unused.
To think of you in happiness
Is all that’s left to me,
Paralysed for life unless
You ever set me free.

[firefly]

Hello zuitsootmod,

I have read your poem over a few times, and each time I do so, it gets sadder and more desperate. A real sense of longing and hurt comes through.

I don't really know what else to say, other than, if what I have described is the intention of your poem, then you have done a great job.

I really enjoyed this read, thanks for sharing,

firefly

[anniecat]

Must of missed this, i enjoyed this read

[Ros]

Zoot, you have a good sentiment going here, but have a think about your language. You've got a lot of well-worn phrases here that I'm sure you could replace with more concrete images of your own:

soft touch
calming hand
soothes all ills

- I'm afraid it reminds me of an advert for baby talc or something!

plus an unnatural inversion of words:

But to move my lips refuse

You'd never say that in real life, would you?

Ros

[Arian]

Hi zsm - nice idea, but you (as Ros points out) do use rather a lot of very familiar phrases to make your point. You’ve also tended to crowbar your rhymes into the piece by using unusual, and rather archaic, constructions which gives it a (to my ear) forced, unnatural feel.

It has a strong rhythm, though perhaps it would benefit from being 3 x 4-line stanzas. Not a critical thing, though.

Cheers
peter

[mesmie]

hello zsm

I too enjoyed the thought behind this write, it is oh, so sad..the longing is there!

But to move my lips refuse could be changed to But my lips refuse to move?

I am not sure of the calming hand line

but I did feel the write

thanks
mes

[Stephen J. Elliott]

I really enjoyed reading this.
Personally, i don't think theres anything wrong with your inversion of words. At times, it can sound conceited to do so, but the ideas behind this poem are what drive it, and so lines like 'But to move my lips refuse' actually come across as very heartfelt, and even desperate, if thats what was intended!

Stephen

[zootsuitmod]

I really enjoyed reading this.
Personally, i don't think theres anything wrong with your inversion of words. At times, it can sound conceited to do so, but the ideas behind this poem are what drive it, and so lines like 'But to move my lips refuse' actually come across as very heartfelt, and even desperate, if thats what was intended!

Stephen

At F*****G last!!!!!!
Someone who is able to see the poem for what it is. It's heartfelt and desperate alright.
The use of words are there to convey emotions and feelings as they pass through me. I'm describing a real event, and not lamenting on the way the moon and stars shine at night, or how the wind whispers in the trees.

I do enjoy reading everyone’s take on what is written, but sometimes I feel as though there is more attention given to the technical aspects of a piece, without due consideration to what the piece is actually trying to convey to the reader.
Yes perhaps there are a couple of clichés in there, and it's not technically perfect, but isn't poetry about channelling emotions into a set of words, phrases and perhaps rhymes that alert the reader to the mindset of the author.

Can anyone come up with a line that's better to convey " When you put your hand on my **** then all my troubles seem to disappear"? I think not.
As for word inversion, I believe it to be a valid tool to emphasise an emotion, desperation in this case. "My lips refuse to move" sounds matter of fact, well they wouldn't move, so what the hell let’s just move on. When inverting the statement gives it a sense of drama, and hopefully shows the frustration.
If you want to call it archaic, then fine that's your prerogative, I don’t have a problem, everyone’s style, likes and dislikes are different and that should be encouraged.
However I certainly don’t take the crowbar reference on board, and the talcum powder comment is just crass.
Thanks to everyone who commented, good and bad. This is why we should post, it excites discussion.

[Ros]

there is more attention given to the technical aspects of a piece, without due consideration to what the piece is actually trying to convey to the reader.
Yes perhaps there are a couple of clichés in there, and it's not technically perfect, but isn't poetry about channelling emotions into a set of words, phrases and perhaps rhymes that alert the reader to the mindset of the author.

Yes, we give attention to the technical aspects of a piece, because we are a forum for learning how to develop our skills in contemporary poetry. And that includes learning how to write in an original, powerful way that doesn't include cliches. The point about a cliche is that it's been done before - it's not your personal, emotional voice. If you just want to tell us your emotions, you don't need poetry.

Of course, write however you like, but if you post here, please bear in mind our aims - the weak parts will be pointed out, as well as the strong bits being praised.

Ros

[Arian]

If you want to call it archaic, then fine that's your prerogative... However I certainly don’t take the crowbar reference on board, and the talcum powder comment is just crass.

Oh dear, looks like I've offended. Certainly not the intention. Apologies, zsm. But I guess that's what you have to expect on a board like this - opinions from antiquated no-hopers like me. Still, clueless or not, it took me a reasonable time to read your piece, and think about it so that I could comment in a way that (I thought) would be helpful. It was clearly not time very well spent - you seem to know already how good your work is (thanks for telling us), without input from others. In future, to save me time, and you offence, it's probably best if I neither read nor comment on your work. That way, if others follow suit, you can be sure you'll hear only what you want to hear.
All the best
peter

[twoleftfeet]

FWIW, Zoot
I can understand how you feel because you've written an intensely personal poem, but I think that the criticisms that have been made are valid.
"but refuse my lips to move"
IMHO is at odds with the rest of the piece.
I think ,though, that if you applied similar constructs to the whole poem then it might work
e.g
Cries out my heart “Love I you”,
But to move my lips refuse etc

Just a thought
Geoff (putting on tin hat)

[zootsuitmod]

If you want to call it archaic, then fine that's your prerogative... However I certainly don’t take the crowbar reference on board, and the talcum powder comment is just crass.

Oh dear, looks like I've offended. Certainly not the intention. Apologies, zsm. But I guess that's what you have to expect on a board like this - opinions from antiquated no-hopers like me. Still, clueless or not, it took me a reasonable time to read your piece, and think about it so that I could comment in a way that (I thought) would be helpful. It was clearly not time very well spent - you seem to know already how good your work is (thanks for telling us), without input from others. In future, to save me time, and you offence, it's probably best if I neither read nor comment on your work. That way, if others follow suit, you can be sure you'll hear only what you want to hear.
All the best
peter

No, I should apologies Peter, it appears that I have bruised your precious ego by daring to take issue with your criticism.
Criticism works both ways. It’s not a coconut shy for people to throw comments like wooden balls without fear of being caught by a rebound.
You offered your criticism and I thanked you for it. I then pointed out a comment which I didn’t agree with. There was no personal comments or slights made by me toward yourself, so why do you feel the need to use sarcasm in your response.
If you don’t feel that you can ever defend any poem that you write, then I see no point in ever posting it for others to see.

[zootsuitmod]

FWIW, Zoot
I can understand how you feel because you've written an intensely personal poem, but I think that the criticisms that have been made are valid.
"but refuse my lips to move"
IMHO is at odds with the rest of the piece.
I think ,though, that if you applied similar constructs to the whole poem then it might work
e.g
Cries out my heart “Love I you”,
But to move my lips refuse etc

Just a thought
Geoff (putting on tin hat)

Take cover Geoff!!!!!!
Not a problem mate, although I think you have the I and you the wrong way round

[zootsuitmod]

If you just want to tell us your emotions, you don't need poetry

That's just about as stupid a comment as your talcum powder reference.

[Ros]

If you just want to tell us your emotions, you don't need poetry

That's just about as stupid a comment as your talcum powder reference.

Goodbye, Zoot.

[Arian]

It’s not a coconut shy for people to throw comments like wooden balls without fear of being caught by a rebound.

Now that's more like poetry! An imaginative and amusing metaphor. Original, too, I think. Good stuff.

Actually, zoot, you called my crit "crass". You obviously see that as thanking someone for their time. Odd way of phrasing it. You're right - I was very, very hurt. Delicate flower, me.

Still, best of luck with your poetry, whether you post it here or elsewhere. You certainly don't need input from me.

peter

[Lake]

I think ,though, that if you applied similar constructs to the whole poem then it might work
e.g
Cries out my heart “Love I you”,
But to move my lips refuse etc

[David]

FWIW, Zoot
I can understand how you feel because you've written an intensely personal poem, but I think that the criticisms that have been made are valid.
"but refuse my lips to move"
IMHO is at odds with the rest of the piece.
I think ,though, that if you applied similar constructs to the whole poem then it might work
e.g
Cries out my heart “Love I you”,
But to move my lips refuse etc

Just a thought
Geoff (putting on tin hat)

Bloody hell, it's Yoda.

[twoleftfeet]

Bloody hell, it's Yoda.

Nah, just a bad case syntaxitis of

[mesmie]

...ooo this IS a lively board...

[amberleaf]

Oh Zoots,
I feel your pain. You are pouring out your heart in this piece. It's all about the emotion, and for me you nail it.

[arunansu]

Zoot, allow me to play with this:

My body aches for your calming hand
that soothes all ills,
But though I miss you, oh so much
Some future life I can’t instil.
My heart cries out ,
But to move my lips refuse
My brain screams out ,
But my phone remains unused.
To think of you in happiness
To think of you setting me free
Is all that’s left to me,
Paralysed for life unless


?

Smiles.

[Absinthe Friend]

Well done Zoot. I may be biased as this is just the style of poetry that I love, but I enjoyed this piece. The languge could have been a little stronger but the meaning of the poem is easily conveyed and the emotion is there to see. my only criticism is that the ending sort of fizzles out, the subtle rhyme falls away and the reader is left hanging. this device can be effective to enhance the feeling of despair but in this case I think it just lets down an otherwise enjoyable and dramatic poem.

Again, well done.

[Lovely]

Nice You.