Ultimate Sacrifice

[firefly]

Sense deprivation

Unconditional torture -

Test of mother’s love

[arunansu]

Nice Senryu, but why "torture"?

Also, "sense deprivation" or "sense of deprivation"?

Anyway, enjoyed the read.

[Suzanne]

firefly,

Very uncomfortable wording, a bit unsettling.
The words are powerful but the story is not clear.

Hmmm, not sure.
I would be happy to hear more.

Suzanne

[firefly]

Hello Arunansu and Suzanne, thank you both for your comments.

I like to try and keep within the confines of the 5-7-5 pattern for senryu and haiku and to convey a message in 17 syllables, although sometimes I'm more sucessful than others!

I'll explain my thought process for this one.

Sense deprivation - sleepless nights, tantrums, etc

Unconditional torture - supporting your children through their mistakes, even though they've ignored all your advice.
putting up with moronic nasty and just plain rude teenagers, and loving them still etc
Test of mother's love - self explanatory!

I hope this clears things up and makes this an easier read. It was written with passion, through experience.

Thanks for reading

firefly

[mesmie]

hiya firefly

I dunno if torture is the right word to use here firefly?.I know where you are coming from but I think it will throw the reader off track?..mind you having gone through all that nonsense perhaps torture is the right word

thanks
mes x

[David]

I'm feeling a lot of parental empathy for you here, firefly, but I can see why everyone else set off up completely the wrong path. I did too.

Do you think you could expand this to three haikus, with each of your current first lines as the opening line in each case? That would give you room to make yourself understood a bit more clearly.

Cheers

David

[firefly]

Thanks for reading Mesmie and David, and for your great idea of expanding this to 3 haikus David. I will certainly give it a go.

I do enjoy the challenge these little poems are to me!

Thanks again,
firefly

[arunansu]

Firefly,

Based on your explanation, I've tried this :

Sense deprivation
sleepless nights
tantrums

support your children
through their mistakes
unconditional torture

?

You don't have to stick to 5-7-5 rule, that was for Japanese language, not English. Try to keep the total syllable count within 17. Smiles.

[Lovely]

Dear firefly,

One needs to work out the idea here and the paint her to page. It is what poets do after
all.

There are some powerful emotions here; they just need manifesting.

Dave

[firefly]

Thanks arunansu for your ideas and for taking the time to share them with me.

Thanks Lovely for your comment, I will manifest away! I quite like this piece myself, but will work on improving it to make it a more enjoyable read for others.

Great feedback from you both, thanks
firefly