Used Bodies

[adarkerversion]

Blurred flesh in a dimmed light begs acceptance,
It does not, however, deserve any,
No presence of thought around.....not anymore,
Self worth derived and reveled in for as long as the duration can be,
Unvalued is the worth when the acceptance comes from deception,
Deception from both parties,
painted faces unrecognized,
Nothing solved, nothing really gained, a little more meaning lost for the next time this happens,
It will happen again, we cant fight nature,
and this is nature in its most basic essence... meaningless.

[Ros]

Hi, welcome to PG adarkerversion. Please take the time to read the guidelines for the forum - we prefer no more than 2 poems posted per day, and would expect you to comment and critique on a couple of other people's poems for each one you post.

Ros

[Petronius]

I am puzzled by your poem. There are some interesting phrases but the poem lacks any structure. There is only so much
a poet can expect from his readers . A poem should be grammatical and not merely a collection of thoughts or images put
together. Take your thoughts and try to make them clear to your reader. I think I can discern a poem somewhere in there
but not clearly. However, do carry on, poetry is a hard master and poet must work hard. Writing, re-writing ad naus.
Sometimes a poem takes me a week and sometimes a year when, suddenly with luck, a poem emerges. I am quite sure
that you will find people who will tell you that inspiration is all and that I am old-fashioned. It is your choice. Anyway
do continue. The struggle is worth it. Cheers. P

[Arian]

A poem should be grammatical and not merely a collection of ...images

Not entirely sure WCW et al would have concurred!

Still, I do agree that its exceptionally good first line flatters to deceive. After L1, its slightly(!) chaotic metrical and grammatical structure makes it hard to read, and the imagery – while occasionally twinkling - never achieves the dazzle of the start. The ending (only one reader’s view, remember) is verging on the trite. Promising, though – would be interesting to see a tightened version.

All the best
peter

[joy]

This is the thinking of two bi polar people; the poem is a vague analytical perception of two people
living together unable to solve their problems.
The poem comes across as somebody trying to analyse two people living together,
But the poem is very vague, as Petronius said it take time, many, many years of trying, my first try bombed,
Joy two moons

[Lovely]

It fails me everytime I read it...I just can't crit it. "Used bodies"? Life is precious? Someone mentioned bi-polar is this another form of indifference?

I think the title is to profound and the poem deserves better here. Do we reincarnate sometimes as angels or devils? There poses the question which takes
our possession all those bodies dead and brittle some ash some little. The title here way out weighs the poem apart from the negatives in the
poem it says want it wants to say.


Today's motto: life is eternal being central to energy it always is

[Suzanne]

Adarkerversion,

Love the name. Please crit a few poems, I would love to comment but will wait until the scales are balanced.

Give it a go. It is part of the game and a bit of fun.

Yep,
Suzanne

[John G]

Some ideas are floating about in here but I feel they need to be harnessed and placed into some structure.

As mentioned by the others on here, poetry is hard to master but the journey is worthwhile. Take on board the crits here, read and read and read.

Mould that first spark of inspiration, as you may have something here and don’t be afraid to edit and reedit and if need be re-edit.

[Crustyman]

The first line is very good: the start of a good poem.
What follows seems to be what you think the rest of the poem should be about; that's to say the lines are really "working notes" for a poem. They probably mean a lot to you ( a sense of their importance glimmers through here and there) but they do not convey anything coherent that a reader can grasp. The first line shows . The following ones only tell. You need to start again.
Bear in mind what Yeats told Dorothy Wellesley - "In the morning I sit at my desk and write four words. Then I have lunch. Then I return to my desk and cross three of the words out"
Good luck be with you