I know you want me.
I can feel your eyes burning
into my back as I walk past.
Why do you think I wear my
tightest skirt?
The one with the split
right up to my butt cheeks.
Why do you think I bend down
in front of you
revealing my stocking tops?
I want you too.
Why don’t you just say it,
and we can get the party started?
stop wasting time
Pauline,
I think the title is pretty apt in so much as the poem is very full on. On the one hand, the boldness of the statements say, yep, right in your face and yet it seems more of a subterfuge in some ways which on the other hand fulfils what you've already alluded to in your reply that mentions reaction. I think we are all entitled to play with the language as we see fit and you have a couple of choices with this poem. You might just let this rest as a stark example of how in ones face writing is a place you are able to go, or you could write alongside it and explore how you can bring each element of this to the readers attention in a way that allows the mind to fill in the visuals which will deliver a far greater impact. I'm sure you are a aware that from a male point of view in many instances, it's the inch of flesh that's covered which attracts more interest. He knows it's there and can only imagine it and anticipate which is where the subconscious runs riot in making the unobtainable far more desirable. By the way the closing line is very Pink, which I find ironic. In fact, in that context it's actually rather clever, unless I'm just being a letch when at my time of life I ought to know better.
If you do feel like tinkering with an alternative version of this, I'd be inclined to concentrate on shapes, colours, fabric textures and body language, rather than simply telling the reader what's on offer in the poetic sense. You have the ingredients already, your opening lines depict cause and the poem tells the effects, tells being the weaker aspect of your poem's delivery. Obviously it will impact each reader in a unique way and some will find it rather brazen where as others who are a little more cultured will feel that it lacks the subtleties which could make the whole thing far more compelling. I never take a poem at face value and regardless of its execution there is always far more to gleaned by exploring the possible reasoning behind the words. It's also worth noting here that there is a complete detachment from the emotional aspects of a physical encounter, and again that's a point of interest because it speaks in its absence.
all the best
Danté
I think the title is pretty apt in so much as the poem is very full on. On the one hand, the boldness of the statements say, yep, right in your face and yet it seems more of a subterfuge in some ways which on the other hand fulfils what you've already alluded to in your reply that mentions reaction. I think we are all entitled to play with the language as we see fit and you have a couple of choices with this poem. You might just let this rest as a stark example of how in ones face writing is a place you are able to go, or you could write alongside it and explore how you can bring each element of this to the readers attention in a way that allows the mind to fill in the visuals which will deliver a far greater impact. I'm sure you are a aware that from a male point of view in many instances, it's the inch of flesh that's covered which attracts more interest. He knows it's there and can only imagine it and anticipate which is where the subconscious runs riot in making the unobtainable far more desirable. By the way the closing line is very Pink, which I find ironic. In fact, in that context it's actually rather clever, unless I'm just being a letch when at my time of life I ought to know better.
If you do feel like tinkering with an alternative version of this, I'd be inclined to concentrate on shapes, colours, fabric textures and body language, rather than simply telling the reader what's on offer in the poetic sense. You have the ingredients already, your opening lines depict cause and the poem tells the effects, tells being the weaker aspect of your poem's delivery. Obviously it will impact each reader in a unique way and some will find it rather brazen where as others who are a little more cultured will feel that it lacks the subtleties which could make the whole thing far more compelling. I never take a poem at face value and regardless of its execution there is always far more to gleaned by exploring the possible reasoning behind the words. It's also worth noting here that there is a complete detachment from the emotional aspects of a physical encounter, and again that's a point of interest because it speaks in its absence.
all the best
Danté
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
I've done it again Dante.
I must learn some self control.
I know this is shocking, and once again regret posting it on the forum, but I can't do anything about it now.
If the mods could maybe delete it for me, I would feel a lot happier.
The title is very apt, because this piece is a waste of time.
I must learn some self control.
I know this is shocking, and once again regret posting it on the forum, but I can't do anything about it now.
If the mods could maybe delete it for me, I would feel a lot happier.
The title is very apt, because this piece is a waste of time.
Pauline,
I wouldn't say it is shocking lol, perhaps mildly revealing. I've seen far worse attempts and I don't think you need be quite as harsh in your own analysis of the poem.
There is something to be learned from every perceived mistake, it's only those odd occasions when we get something absolutely right that there are few lessons.
I'm sure it can be removed if that's really what you would prefer, but it seems to me an expression that's tucked safe inside a brightly painted vehicle whereas the confident approach would have been to have the contents on the roof rack. I wouldn't worry what anyone else thinks aside from relevant critique of the poem, I gave up on that during early puberty and never looked back lol.
After all it's not like it's mandatory for everyone to read the poem on the last stroke of every hour, I know I've dropped bigger clangers many times
It's not a patch on that thong in the other poem lol.
all the best
Danté
I wouldn't say it is shocking lol, perhaps mildly revealing. I've seen far worse attempts and I don't think you need be quite as harsh in your own analysis of the poem.
There is something to be learned from every perceived mistake, it's only those odd occasions when we get something absolutely right that there are few lessons.
I'm sure it can be removed if that's really what you would prefer, but it seems to me an expression that's tucked safe inside a brightly painted vehicle whereas the confident approach would have been to have the contents on the roof rack. I wouldn't worry what anyone else thinks aside from relevant critique of the poem, I gave up on that during early puberty and never looked back lol.
After all it's not like it's mandatory for everyone to read the poem on the last stroke of every hour, I know I've dropped bigger clangers many times
It's not a patch on that thong in the other poem lol.
all the best
Danté
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
