On a fete-day calendar, in an isolated moment of find
A cloud ordinary, boisterous with carousal,
Freestanding in extreme stylization bind the out- line of Geds face.
The face of the sun, the pearly hue for life,
Above Killahoey beach among common folk tender her kind thanks.
On this rare landscape the footsteps of fondness
Threshing, by mechanical power the ploughing,
The stalwart flowers trellis their way across,
A speckled carpet in the most cheerful form,
Among the rugged angular reclining dragons that cliff face the shore
On a summer solstice, our shadows reverse their way into the future.
But it’s autumn, cornucopia of tints in the foliage
Corresponding to the ferry man in his long boat,
Hushed behind the outlined area of deciduous trees,
The courier there is marking time.
The farmer waiting for the cows at evening!
The poor trying to recover compensation!
All waiting for the leaves to drop!
And in that function we call control, moderation,
And in that air alone a tear is shed and in that interval
Between heaven and earth, the active intellect, the feeble face,
All delicately bathed in the blood of life,
And when that blood turns poison and its nutritive materials
All gone and normal strength sapped, we live no more.
life and death
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brianedwards
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Gavin,
Poetry is primarily a sonic medium, and its most powerful sonic device is rhythm. Lines beginning in capitals are usually treated by readers as whole sonic units, so when employing this device it is especially important to listen to the line, listen to the rhythm, read it aloud and pay attention to how it affects the way it is read, how the reader breathes. Rhythm that resembles the natural cadence of speech can be used in long lines to great effect, but you seem to be wavering here between traditional metrical form and speech. Before getting to grips with the content of what you want to say, I suggest you listen to how you wish to say it.
Best regards.
B.
~
Poetry is primarily a sonic medium, and its most powerful sonic device is rhythm. Lines beginning in capitals are usually treated by readers as whole sonic units, so when employing this device it is especially important to listen to the line, listen to the rhythm, read it aloud and pay attention to how it affects the way it is read, how the reader breathes. Rhythm that resembles the natural cadence of speech can be used in long lines to great effect, but you seem to be wavering here between traditional metrical form and speech. Before getting to grips with the content of what you want to say, I suggest you listen to how you wish to say it.
Best regards.
B.
~
Aside from the capitals at the start of each sentance,
which is easily done, depending if you use word or works, I can't remember which it is, but it automatically puts a capital at the start of each sentance, so I will let you off,
I found this a very moving piece.
To me, it captures that physical loss is easier to bear, if you can see beyond .
That their presence is in the cliff face, the foliage,and everything that is around you.
Whatever makes that place special to you.
Thanks Gavin,
I thought this was lovely.
which is easily done, depending if you use word or works, I can't remember which it is, but it automatically puts a capital at the start of each sentance, so I will let you off,
I found this a very moving piece.
To me, it captures that physical loss is easier to bear, if you can see beyond .
That their presence is in the cliff face, the foliage,and everything that is around you.
Whatever makes that place special to you.
Thanks Gavin,
I thought this was lovely.
Gavin,
I like the way your poem conveys the author's personal engagement with the content. Brian has offered some useful ideas in respect of the way the lines read and I also found that a couple of the verses stretching my lung capacity as well as I would have liked a little space in which to fully process the content more fully. It's a decent size poem but the content seems to fill that space without becoming like a chore. I'd like to add that there are areas, the first verse being an example where I feel a little overloaded with words that make sense, but don't really shed as much light as perhaps they could. Immediacy is what I'm trying to put my finger on, I think that's especially useful in an opening verse as that's where one can often lose a readers engagement. There are parts of the poem where the voice is very pleasant and lends itself to the reasonable length of the piece by way of showing me you as a writer have looked at your subject.
I enjoyed reading.
Regards
Danté
I like the way your poem conveys the author's personal engagement with the content. Brian has offered some useful ideas in respect of the way the lines read and I also found that a couple of the verses stretching my lung capacity as well as I would have liked a little space in which to fully process the content more fully. It's a decent size poem but the content seems to fill that space without becoming like a chore. I'd like to add that there are areas, the first verse being an example where I feel a little overloaded with words that make sense, but don't really shed as much light as perhaps they could. Immediacy is what I'm trying to put my finger on, I think that's especially useful in an opening verse as that's where one can often lose a readers engagement. There are parts of the poem where the voice is very pleasant and lends itself to the reasonable length of the piece by way of showing me you as a writer have looked at your subject.
I enjoyed reading.
Regards
Danté
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
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calico
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I love: Geds face, all the exclamation marks, I found each sentence a surprise actually, which is great, and found myself imagining a landscape which is quite rooted with 'Killahoey beach'. Actually it reminds me of something like a Breughel painting of small people ploughing fields, and it also reminds me of something Van Gogh said about "an unheroic point in history". The drama of the unheroic. That's enough name dropping of artists, sorry. Thanks.
Gavin, you have shared with us a powerful piece, although I'm with Dante re the length of some of the lines. I like S2 and S3 the most. My favourite portion happens to be:
The courier there is marking time.
The farmer waiting for the cows at evening!
The poor trying to recover compensation!
All waiting for the leaves to drop!
- A beautiful way to express. Enjoyed.
BTW, what can be "Ged's fence"? Smiles.
The courier there is marking time.
The farmer waiting for the cows at evening!
The poor trying to recover compensation!
All waiting for the leaves to drop!
- A beautiful way to express. Enjoyed.
BTW, what can be "Ged's fence"? Smiles.
thank you all for your crits
i have gone back to school, for adult education, and I'm hooking up with a tutor in poetry,
now i have a good spell check
the first tutor could not understand why i would like to have her children,
again i thank you, all
i have gone back to school, for adult education, and I'm hooking up with a tutor in poetry,
now i have a good spell check
the first tutor could not understand why i would like to have her children,
again i thank you, all