the fountain of youth

[gavin]

‘ashen her eyes gentlemen!! ashen---I shall verbally respond to your curiosities”
“they were the moon bright round and big”
“the sphinx stand silhouetted, mote by eyelashes,”
“Gentlemen!! This combination would pull any man through his fears”
to sail the waters above the ferments, among the orbs and stars.”

“In those luminous years, life was one big superannuation in every pocket,
All unworthy idea’s feared enter the head, and in tomorrow rays
one is a man, who can take the insolent strut, the brash voices,
the cheeky air, cheat their smile look all from the islanders,
even the web footed prejudices of government authority””

She was the daughter of an Asiatic chief, virgin purity, nontaxable.
She walked with lemur agility as if in the tree her -self, DE-con morphing
from branch to branch, catwalk to cat walk.”
She was the female trinity, young, breasts, arse,
“she was everything a travelling carriage needed for a journey,
gentile men I was smitten!!! Her spell-work, the devil’s candle shone its light on me,
I wanted to remove her undergarments;

All faculty’s on the shelf, she would take all my immunities and proper reserve
to her accommodation I would run, and zoology took over,
unable to breath she would pull me through her thorns, earth hunting every whole
drinking every pleasure I care not and wither slowly,
gentlemen!! Then came the jealously the yellow hair,
and in defiance of natural direction killed her.
“That is why I sit before you behind these bars ready to hang.”

[Danté]

Gavin, this is certainly entertaining and does get me thinking all kinds of stuff which is prompted by your content.
I got a little confused by what appeared to be an inconsistent approach in the use of quotations. Might be me reading it incorrectly?
Once again some of the phrasing is fresh sounding and shows an individual approach.
There are a few typos dotted around, so it would be useful to pore over this line by line and iron them out.

I enjoyed this

all the best

Danté

[gavin]

dante

thanks for the crit, this poetry is my nightmere, i get these ideas and connot put it down on paper

there is know use having iders and not being able to put it on paper, it can really shit me to tears;

i do love poetry but by hell it can bite

[Danté]

Gavin,

Personally I'd rather be in a position of having the ideas and knowing I've got to work at delivering them, as opposed to having a perfect delivery system and nothing to say.
Yes, I imagine you are frustrated but that suggests to me that you feel strongly about wanting to write your poetry.
Perhaps you might want to take advantage of the concept of this place and get some of your ideas written in a slightly more compact way and make use of the editing suggestions offered to tidy them up. I think the majority of writers here are more inclined to want to help each other succeed in improving poetry skills and not condemn the work to the point where an author is given the impression of total failure. I think there are a lot of positive areas in your poem and maybe you ought to enjoy that fact too.

all the best

Danté

[Lake]

Hi gavin,

This sounds dramatic, like a monologue. The content is rich and tense, but like Dante I too find the use of quotation is erratic. Or is it because it is a nightmare that everything goes astray? I do enjoy reading it nonetheless.

Cheers,

Lake

[calico]

Hi, I love the way this is written and I enjoy the voice, it takes the reader all sorts of places.
New world colonies, Elizabethan explorers, Jacobean tragedy.....Darwinism too.
I think the strangest parts for me are

“the sphinx stand silhouetted, mote by eyelashes,”
mote...that's dust isn't it..?
and
"Then came the jealously the yellow hair"
I don't know why jealousy is the yellow hair but it still makes sense.

A man talking lustfully about a young woman, it's hard to say anything new on that subject but you have managed to make it incredibly surprising, and to retain a trustworthy authorial voice.

[gavin]

Calico the idea of the poem

To Your questions

The sphinx stands silhouetted, mote by eyelashes,
Is the pupils in her eyes, mote is the water around a castle,

The jealously the yellow hair, he has put colour in his hair to make it blond
But turns yellow the vanity of old men;

The idea of the poem was when i saw an old man with a young woman from an Asiatic country;

In your crit had an elevated insight that was spot on, to what i was writing;

One is in the tower of poetry, a lozenge shape you put on your tongue
that give you tales and narratives, if that dose not work; as in my case
i shell double the dose, get on the bad manners and try rhyme

thank you

[Pauline]

Gavin,
I'm confused.
Is it the old man who is jealous?
If he has this young beauty, who he is so obviously smitten by, why on earth would he want to kill her off.
You have painted a very passionate and powerful image here.

The third verse stood out to me

She was the daughter of an Asiatic chief, virgin purity, nontaxable.
She walked with lemur agility as if in the tree her -self, DE-con morphing
from branch to branch, catwalk to cat walk.”
She was the female trinity, young, breasts, arse,
“she was everything a travelling carriage needed for a journey,
gentile men I was smitten!!! Her spell-work, the devil’s candle shone its light on me,
I wanted to remove her undergarments;

An enjoyable read.
Cheers

[Durante]

I'm afraid I do not have much contstructive to add here,other than...thank you! This engendered some interesting thoughts and ideas in my tired mind... And for that...I can only be grateful!!!

Yours ever,

D.