Poetry Forum

Overflowing

I gather pages of ink blown words
once carried in pockets of jeans,
zipped into my purse, or covertly
tucked beneath my pillow.

A white pile of squared scraps,
every crease containing you, taunts me
to acknowledge this ache. Fluid pen
marks beneath thoughtful printed lines
softly hum your name.

My blind eyes scan exposed corners
trying not to feel, fingers on glass shard
words promises only wet, sharp pain.
I'm not ready to bleed, not yet.

No, I will not even whimper.

My moaning will not be heard until
the full moon returns to spotlight
my self-insisted upon destruction.


It begins to rain and I weep.

.

------
edit- changed first verse
S2 taunts from pushes
"Taunted by pages of ink blown words
once carried in pockets of jeans,
zipped into my purse, or covertly
tucked beneath my pillow, I sort."

Writing about the need to write. In a way, the reason for it all.
My first post, so an appreciation.
It reminds me of when I first felt the need to write.

Seems like a cross between first write and first blood (manarche btw) this.
Anyway, ain't sheilas married to/with their geans nowadays? I mean, a bloke'd need a bucket of lard or the 'Jaws of Life' to get em out of em rofl.

The entry strophe is, erm, not good. And I'd like to see you write something outside your comfort zone, S.

J

Yeah Suzanne, liked the stuff. But as Jasper pointed out, we seem to repeat our themes often.Smiles. Not that it's bad. The poem is excellent.
Thanks.

Jasper,
I admit trouble with the first bit, i will work on it. I got tired of wrestling. Also, you are the second to challenge my comfort zone ways, hmmmm. I am going to surprise you one day, until then... I may have to shake this manache blues off awhile longer. I believe right now I have a plesant drone going on. Pleasant, but still a drone.


Aru,

Glad you liked this.i will raise the bar. It just takes time.

Warmly,
Suzanne

Hi Suzanne

Initially I wasnt keen on the 1st bit or stanza but after reading it through it kind of built from a low to high within the poem. Having read it through about 10 times now, I like it a lot.

Were I to make any constructive critisism, I would either get rid of "I sort" at the end of the 1st stanza or move it to the start of the 2nd.

The meaning I got from the poem was ...overflowing with emotion, letters from a lover lost or maybe dead, stuffed into a pocket then transfered to a purse because it hurts to much for the owner to throw them away. But thats just me

Nice poem I liked it a lot it grows on you

Hi, I liked this it's smooth and rich. The only change I would like to see if the ending.......seems too blunt.

I'm not putting you down, S. But I find all free verse authors guilty of tautology and thematic parroteering!
If I have problemata, I seek a form which attends it and give it crack for a while. Like I extract concise/ity from Senryu and Haiku, rhyme and meter from sonnets and such, and repeated lines of varying meanings from triolet (which I adore the mostest). Then there's the dreaded Sestina, which I personally think are the most difficult of all forms to write and work properly!

Anywho, you can then take the bits you like about all these forms and apply them piecemeal to Free-verse... and you'd be amazed at the results!

Just saying is all.

Just keep writing too!

J

Jasper wrote: and repeated lines of varying meanings from triolet (which I adore the mostest).

I don't think I have seen one of your triolets yet Jasper. Hope to see one, one of these days.

Pssstttt... this is S's thread!

R. Cox,

I am sorry that i forgot to mention you. Thank you for the reply. It was a nice first crit and I appreciated it. Welcome.

Wabbit and Jonjonjon,

thanks for the reply. I have removed "I sort." in my edit. I hope that the first section reads better. I am very glad that you liked it and your comments are nice to hear, the idea of the building emotion especially.

I had hoped that the image of a strong narrator facing an emotional hurdle and deciding to jump over it comes through, the declaration that she will not cry until she has to was clearly stated, she stood firmly on her feet.

..... and yet, her tender heartedness is shown with the sudden coming of tears, admitting that even though she is strong, she is very much human.

Jasper,

You are lovable and irritating. lol.
I like your comments. You are like a strong cup of coffee that sometimes burns my tongue, other times warms me up.

I am interested in moving out of my comfort zone, I had thought you meant in content.. but you mentioned structures and forms. ?

I love haiku and have written many. I will write post on today for you.
But did you really mean to encourage me to form branch out in form?

If you started a rant in the poetry discussion forum about your irritation with free form parroting, I would join in.

Warmly,
Suzanne

Nice work again. I can see the good points mentioned above though.

I think with Dante how I felt how I love the how I adore poets who have the diversity. Not seen it to much with you.

It's not that you are not gifted and toned, just I would so love to know, the deeper Poet which is You.

Lxx

Hey Suzanne - I'm back, sunbeam...

I liked this one, and - as others have said - it's very much in-keeping with the poems of yours that I've read.

Wasn't sure about 'covertly' in the first stanza - sounded a bit military intelligence. And it also implied that it was hidden to keep it from someone else, rather than put under the pillow as a comfort (which I guessed was the case?).

I thought S2 (that's the way we roll round here, isn't it??) was clear and got your imagery across well. The printed lines humming was nice.

I've already picked up that my stuff uses a lot of 'I' and 'Me' to get images across, when sometimes there may be a more creative way of expressing something. Do you ever feel that? The bit that made me think of this was 'my blind eyes' - I'm not sure if you needed to personalise this. This may also apply to the penultimate line about the 'self-insisted destruction' - where I wasn't keen on the 'upon' either.

It flowed well, though, Suzanne and I thought the images you used were vivid.

Hope you're cool. Love,

Stephen