Poetry Forum

The breeze blew softly,
the spring-rain was falling,
and in the spreading branches of the lofty
tree a bird's melodious voice was calling.


The cherry-trees in glorious bloom,
the flower-embroidered field,
light up the twilight's deepening gloom
before the day the night must yield.


The sickle of the argent Moon
rides in the sky, and stars will soon
come out to shyly peep
a Silver Lotus, who now does keep
a final tryst with all the sweet
surroundings which she'll never meet
again, when to the loving arms
of her beloved she has fled
and made surrender of her charms;
so heavenly that all
the Birds, the trees and flowers,
the stars and moon shall
fade to nought; and rose-clad bowers
seem colourless in the hours
of Happiness her Lord shall Bless
her coming with a soft caress.

Wow. This seems like a state of utter bliss.

I think "before the day the night must yield" must be a separate sentence, and probably needs a comma after "day".

Cliché corner: "argent moon", "shyly peep".

That "Silver Lotus" sounds like quite a nice car.

It all gets a bit breathless at the end, but I think that works.

It might be something from the bower of Madeline Basset, but I like it, in a swooning, lavender-scented way.

Cheers

David

this is utterly captivating ... you and i, it seems, have similar reveries and they are bliss, as David noted, aren't they?

i agree with the points David made as well and wonder if there might be a way to lose some of the many "the" type words w/out wrecking that melodic flow ... i tried a little with the opening lines and wondered along the lines of:

soft breeze blew spring rain,
falling from the lofty branches
bird's melody was calling

the reduction may be a little too drastic though ... and pace is very important in this kind of writing ...

thank you thank you for such a glorious read, Lovely!

Charming write no doubt. Perhaps you need a line break in S3? Smiles. Enjoyed the ride. No nits.

Lovely,

This was a nice way to begin the morning. Very romantic setting.
It smelt like fresh air and flowers. Very good imagery. Loved the last two lines.
thanks for the read, like I said, a good way to start the day in motion.

Suzanne

Hi Lovely, A really beautiful write, I see you still have your unique slant on the ways of the world.
You have improved your work since I was last on here,I have to say I admire your ability to write what you want
without worrying too much about structure, this is the true nature of a poet.
Very nice,enjoyed.

Opening of S3 is my fav.

Best wishes

Backinblack.

i enjoyed alot of it. the first part is, as they say, bliss especially this bit: and in the spreading branches of the lofty
tree a bird's melodious voice was calling... that part just rolled off my tongue like a lovers parting kiss, or somesuch very good indeed

Mmmm, nice. Something about the way the pace picks up at the end does seem to work against the flow for me, though...

-c

Thanks everyone for your kind words and comments much appreciated.


S2 was left without to much pause for pace and breathlessness it at times
befits a state of love.

Thanks again to All.

L