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Murmur
Posted: Tue Jun 02, 2009 1:49 pm
by R Cox
a murmur slips
still holding on -
but far too late
the day is done
and so you follow me into sleep
and slow tomorrow eases and creeps
along with a murmur
and nothing much else
Re: Murmur
Posted: Tue Jun 02, 2009 2:02 pm
by Lovely
Lovely moves here felt nice all over. Spine Chilling in a way.......
My thrill there.
Get back soon.
Loads xxxxxx
Re: Murmur
Posted: Wed Jun 03, 2009 12:08 pm
by ray miller
Are we talking heart murmur here? Someone clinging to life? I feel you have the making of a good poem in the first and last 2 lines. The middle section is a bit mundane, I think.
Re: Murmur
Posted: Wed Jun 03, 2009 1:13 pm
by nar
Hey, R.
This feels to me likes it's about dreams, and perhaps, regret.
If so, the final line is a nice resolution.
If I had to nit... the lack of capitalisation and punctuation leaves things a little to 'open' for me.
Liked it.
- Neil.
Re: Murmur
Posted: Wed Jun 03, 2009 3:41 pm
by didi dave
i liked that one, the line about a slow tomorrow eases and creaks was really good
Re: Murmur
Posted: Wed Jun 03, 2009 5:01 pm
by Private Harry
Builds tension nicely in the first section, but somehow seems to lose momentum and just work its way to the end.
The second section doesn't seem as "clean" as the first.