Poetry Forum

Complex heights

Love travels with you, you say, as we move together towards greater complexity

I run my fingers through your well-kept words
Climb upon the sinewy back of your telescopic sentences

The afternoon - far below - has its fingers in its ears
Its foot on the accelerator

Dishevelled sentences, raucous with laughter
Waltz shabbily past us in the crepuscular light

We climb higher
My chest tightens

I feel the grit of your irritation underfoot
Look over there, you say. Anger burns like ice in boiling oil

But your smile is as soft as a snowflake landing
Your eyes explore the way ahead with a surgeon’s touch

You hold a sleepless truth between us, carefully, in opened palms
I gaze astonished but unblinking at its uncompromising charms

Very beautiful indeed! "Love travels with you".......

Lovexxxxxxxx

Hi, Mic.

OK, some honest crit here, I think this piece is worth it.

The afternoon - far below - has its fingers in its ears
Its foot on the accelerator

That is bloody good, friend. Just a great line.

Yet,

But your smile is as soft as a snowflake landing

is IMHO, just bloody awful! A cliché and a poor simile all in one. Sorry. The rest of this poem deserves better than this.

Overall, I think this is very good. I'd lose the other ice/oil simile too, and focus on the stronger image-creation you use elsewhere.

Very much enjoyed.

- Neil.

In my opinion this is much better than your first poem. Some great images-

The afternoon - far below - has its fingers in its ears
Its foot on the accelerator,

I feel the grit of your irritation underfoot

I have more of a problem with eyes having a touch - that is somehow a bit ukky! and would ice burn in boiling oil? I think it would be gone too quickly... but I approve of anyone who can get crepuscular into a poem! Btw, it's more common not to use capitals at the beginning of each line when the sentence runs on (though I expect someone will argue with me about that). Something else to watch for is not to load the poem too much with adjectives before each noun - it tends to be more effective to find a stronger noun or verb. Enjoyed reading this, thanks.

Ros

Lovely - thanks!
Neil - most appreciate your frank remarks.
Ros - Erm, I'm not exactly sure what would happen re ice in boiling oil. I'll give it a go tonight, and report back. And thank-you too, for technique suggestions.

This is not a crit, but please don't start throwing ice cubes into oil. I don't fancy cleaning up after angry oil, even less less so your kitchen ceiling. Words of wisdom need not always be cryptic.

Mic, I too liked this one much better. Especially:

I run my fingers through your well-kept words
Climb upon the sinewy back of your telescopic sentences

The afternoon - far below - has its fingers in its ears
Its foot on the accelerator

I wasn't too keen on crepuscular - it made me stop and work out its meaning, which detracted from the poem for me.

I liked the meaning of the last 2 lines but felt that the rhyme with charms and palms upset the rhythm of the poem. I wonder about changing charms, it doesn't feel a strong enough word to be astonished at.
Sharra
x

I liked this, some lovely phrases. I thought some of the sentences were too long.You could lose "together" in the opening line and the closing two lines were too lengthy, "uncompromising" jars particularly."I feel the grit of your irritation underfoot" is very good. I liked the "smile as soft as a snowflake landing" though perhaps "delicate" rather than soft.

I would second Ray and Sharra here. the last two lines are awfully long, and the end rhymes were unnecessary. I too loved "as soft as a snowflake landing". I found "crepuscular light" interesting, yet not too sure whether it suits the poem.
All in all, a lovely read.

Hi there , a really good write IMHO, very vivid and visual.
Some very nice lines in there too.
Greatly enjoyed.
thanks.

Binb.

Sharra, Ray, Usnanura, BinB - thanks for the considered commentary. I expect to accommodate most of these excellent suggestions in my revision.

What a great forum, really.

PS R-Cox: I abandoned the ice in oil experiment (and expect to abandon that line). I was v. tempted though, most keen to know what it would be like. Perhaps my local chippy, Sore Finger, will have some insights. I shall report back.

PS 2 - excuse me for being thick. What does IMHO stand for?

In My Humble Opinion

hth

I thought it was In My Honest Opinion!

perhaps it depends how humble (or honest) you are!