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the siren
Posted: Wed Jun 03, 2009 9:51 pm
by didi dave
(first draft)
immersed in thoughts
of your burning sapphire
flowing through me
buried alive
by thoughts of rejection
linking the past and of yet to be
your words so alluring
to hungry lust
my roaring waves of passion
the power of infidelity
pulling my smile
to your lips like an ocean
question: is there a name for the three lines/last lines rhyming technique ive used? i must admit im new to different techniques
Re: the siren
Posted: Thu Jun 04, 2009 10:15 am
by ray miller
Some of the phrases are rather cliched, burning sapphire, hungry lust, roaring waves of passion. "linking the past and yet to be"? lose the "of"? I liked the last 3 lines though maybe mouth instead of smile.
Re: the siren
Posted: Thu Jun 04, 2009 10:48 am
by arunansu
Cliched it maybe, as ray has remarked, yet I enjoyed the tone. What I didn't get was any image. You just "told", didn't try to help us "see". The rhyming scheme is also unknown to me. Wait for further responses.
Re: the siren
Posted: Thu Jun 04, 2009 9:49 pm
by didi dave
your right with being just 'told' now you mention it, burning sapphire is the colour of this girls eyes who i like, you can probably guess that though
first draft so hold out hope!
Re: the siren
Posted: Fri Jun 05, 2009 7:48 am
by Sharra
Didi - I think the others are right about the cliche, but this does have a nice rhythm to it. You're obviously tuned in to the sound of words.
Can I ask whether you read much contemporary poetry? Reading, reading and reading more poetry will help you discover all the wonderful and unusual ways that words can be used
Sharra
xx
Re: the siren
Posted: Fri Jun 05, 2009 9:01 am
by mesmie
Didi..
Cliche well maybe...but honest thought too..
mes
Re: the siren
Posted: Fri Jun 05, 2009 5:09 pm
by didi dave
Sharra wrote:Didi - I think the others are right about the cliche, but this does have a nice rhythm to it. You're obviously tuned in to the sound of words.
Can I ask whether you read much contemporary poetry? Reading, reading and reading more poetry will help you discover all the wonderful and unusual ways that words can be used
Sharra
xx
if im honest sharra, no i dont
if you want the truth i write poetry now but alot of the time before i wrote songs. some of the lyrics to my mind are pretty good
i find myself very encyclopaedic, trying to find a different more interesting word for something etc: in this poem instead of saying about her blue eyes, i called them her 'burning sapphire' which i think is a great poetic word to use
but i dont read that much poetry, certainly contemporary, my favorite 2 poems are 'daffodils' by wordsworth and 'if' by kipling, not in the least contemporary
