two ships

[Mic]

two ships

anchorless afternoon; a fierce sun thrusts its last,
as another meek deadline waved, as it passed,
at the two of us pissed, we just laughed

we push self-pity around a bit, like peas
while your napkin boats - quite unfit for high seas -
launch themselves on the tropical breeze

the afternoon drifts, day empties into night
as we spit-roast our shame and gorge on it, quite
game still, despite the fast-draining light

tequeños, mojitos, a portion of chips
more cerveza in which to capsize our wits
then homeward-bound; just two passing ships

[Ros]

This is good - great sense of atmosphere, great images. Not too keen on the two 'as' in l2, though. Really enjoyed the read.

Ros

[ray miller]

Oooh, I loved the rhythm and rhyme in this, but it does falter in places.

a fierce sun thrusts its last - that's quite difficult to say!

I'd suggest: as another deadline waved and passed. Not sure that meek adds anything.

we push self-pity around like peas/ while your napkin boats - unfit for high seas -

day empties to night

quite/ game despite the fast draining light

Of course, you might be hearing a different rhythm to me, in which case just tell me to piss off!

[Lovely]

I love the rhythm in this it flows sweetly and is a nice poem with plenty of imagery.

A lot of fun.

Really.

L xxxxxxxxx

[Mic]

Ros, Ray, Lovely -
Thanks for approval and suggested amends. I'll get the chisel out.

Mic

[Lovely]

Listen here Guys/Girls I love this loads.



I so much love it. Thank you .



lxx

[Mark Townsend]

I like this poem - it's young and really flows!

I also enjoyed your use of imagery.

Best
Mark

[arunansu]

Mic, good write again. Loved the use of metaphors. S2 and S3 are strong. Enjoyed.