Poetry Forum

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flower vendor
busy with cell phone
beside crematorium gate

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huddled commuters
inside a gloomy bus --
fleeting trees

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under an umbrella
love birds share
dark secrets

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reddened western sky--
crows read out
their meeting minutes

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glow-signs wake up--
evening tramcar
slowly turns around a bend


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I like these little glimpses you've shown here. The last one's my favourite - I like the idea of the "glow-signs" waking up. The only one I'm not so keen on is the love birds. "Love birds" is a bit twee. You may not know that word - I think it's only used in Britain. It means sweet, but in an affectedly dainty or quaint way. I thought "dark secrets" seemed a bit too sinister. I suppose you're trying to convey that they have intimate secrets, but maybe you did mean dark - perhaps they're having an affair or running away together - they may have guilty secrets. Still, you wouldn't know that from a picture, and I don't think the twee expression and the sinister one work together. Apart from that, it's great.

Dear Helen,
Thanks for the new word- 'twee'. I know it may be hard to picture two cute things sharing 'dark' secrets. But do you know, here it happens, in Kolkata! And that's perfectly natural, isn't it? That which looks so 'dainty', may have 'guilt' in their mind? After all, aren't they "children of the same God"? So shower some mercy for the cute things, you know , it all started after eating that apple in the garden of Eden. Amen!

arunansu wrote:Dear Helen,
Thanks for the new word- 'twee'. I know it may be hard to picture two cute things sharing 'dark' secrets. But do you know, here it happens, in Kolkata! And that's perfectly natural, isn't it? That which looks so 'dainty', may have 'guilt' in their mind? After all, aren't they "children of the same God"? So shower some mercy for the cute things, you know , it all started after eating that apple in the garden of Eden. Amen!

Oh, sure - two sweethearts can have dark secrets. It's really just the word "lovebirds" that jars with me. I really like it apart from that.

I liked this Aru - especially crows read out / their meeting minutes.
I do agree with Helen though about love birds - it feels like you are trying to be 'poetic' and it complicates the image. Maybe you could simply use lovers ?
Sharra
xx

Cor inspiration is flowing sweetly this w/end. Must be mid-summer.

Loved all this. Switching from one scene to another. S1 really sets it off but it's all very rich indeed.

Beautiful work. Love those crows.

L

Thanks Sharra for your reply. Yes I thought saying plain "lovers" would make it too simple.

Thanks Lovely for the time.