Poetry Forum

the darkness arrives so quick, and enters at any time
it can unlock any door, and it appears at all hours,
it doesnt pick or choose, its never fussy,
it feels like a mask, pulled over your face,
to suffocate you,
it blocks your emotions, your feelings,
and darkens the room, closing the windows, and blocking the sun,
and it often teases you, and leaves the door ajar,
you can sense the light, smell the fresh air,
but its always just a little too far,
always just out of arms reach,
but my sense of hearing increases, its a sense that never fails,
and i can hear footsteps enter the yard,
i can hear a key rattle in the door,
and then i look up, and see sunshine
its appears in the faces of my family and friends,
they open the blinds, and open the windows,
i gasp as my lungs fill with fresh air,
and i know the darkness has gone,
not forever, it is strong and will reappear,
but i know my dearest and most treasured family and friends,
always have the key to the door, to rescue me,
to be there when needed always


i suffer depression, this is a poem about my battle

Will come back for this one honestly..

Lx

thankyou lovely, am all very new to this, so still learning the ropes,

It seems very oppressive, Dennis, so I suppose that means it's effective. A happy ending too. You can never have too many happy endings, I always say.

Do you want to introduce yourself a bit more over at Hello, Good Evening and Welcome?

Cheers

David

yes 4 sure i will, still figuring out how it works here, but will make sure i do all the correct things here,

Hi Dennis
There are some good ideas here:

it feels like a mask, pulled over your face

it often teases you, and leaves the door ajar

,

i look up, and see sunshine
its appears in the faces of my family and friends

I do feel it's a bit lengthy though - if you re-work it and edit it, you would have a really strong poem on your hands.
For instance, I would close the poem with

my dearest and most treasured family and friends,
always have the key to the door

It would make a quiet impact all on its own, there's no need to explain that they are there to rescue you etc, as you have already said it, with

always have the key to the door

.

thankyou, and i do agree, it would be a better ending, its nice to get some feedback, its appreciated

Dennis,

A nice piece. But I feel it needs a trimming. Here's my take:


the darkness arrives so quick, and enters at any time
it can unlock any door, and it appears at all hours,
it doesnt pick or choose, its never fussy,
it feels like a mask, pulled over your face,
to suffocate you

it blocks your emotions, your feelings,
but it often teases you, and leaves the door ajar,
you can sense the light, smell the fresh air,
yet its always just a little too far,
always just out of arms reach


i can hear footsteps enter the yard,
i can hear a key rattle in the door,
and then i look up, and see sunshine
that open the blinds, and open the windows,
i gasp as my lungs fill with fresh air,
and i know the darkness has gone,
though not for ever



Hope this helps.

yes,,its all appreciated, thankyou

Some good ideas and imagery. Inside it is poem waiting to get out. I think it lacks any structure. I think if you wrote it without lines it could well be prose. The problem with free verse is that it can become too free with nothing to contain it. Robert Frost maintained that writing poetry without rhyme was like playing tennis without a net. I dont' agree totally but I know what he meant. In good poetry there is often a tension between form and meaning which produces memorable work. Try writing in a simple 3 or 4 stress line. It will hold your excellent thoughts together. Keep going. It is promising.

Petronius that was beatiful.

Hi Dennis,
I can relate to your poem, I too have suffered periods of depression in the past and your poem brought back some memories of the dark periods in my life.
Very touching, keep up the good work, it will help to release some of the tensions that build up in the bad times.

Al

arunansu wrote:Dennis,

A nice piece. But I feel it needs a trimming. Here's my take:


the darkness arrives so quick, and enters at any time
it can unlock any door, and it appears at all hours,
it doesnt pick or choose, its never fussy,
it feels like a mask, pulled over your face,
to suffocate you

it blocks your emotions, your feelings,
but it often teases you, and leaves the door ajar,
you can sense the light, smell the fresh air,
yet its always just a little too far,
always just out of arms reach


i can hear footsteps enter the yard,
i can hear a key rattle in the door,
and then i look up, and see sunshine
that open the blinds, and open the windows,
i gasp as my lungs fill with fresh air,
and i know the darkness has gone,
though not for ever



Hope this helps.

Seconded.

I can understand the mixed moods of poets at times and this is one.

It's not that it's sad you're just touching the way you feel and in that
lays a true artist with a road ahead.

Every dark point has a light to disperse it.

L