Poetry Forum

Sleet falls over,
a narrow snow bridge,
as mist descends,
the South-East ridge.

A climber sleeps,
on Everest’s roof,
skin white as alabaster,
betrays his youth.

His clothes torn,
by the wind’s rage,
hang now in rags,
brittle with age.

Hob-nailed boots,
of tough English leather,
once walked on granite,
and Alpine heather.

If he could speak,
with his dusty tongue,
would tell you,
how he died young?

Would he describe?
his starving breath,
and the unexpected fall,
or lonely death?

Instead he stays silent,
Eyes closed tight.
As if afraid,
of the approaching night.

So, upon a slate
scratch his name well,
and bury his bones,
where they once fell.

Mark

This subject is not one I'm familiar with, which does not really matter other than I feel this relates to an actuality...
that has occured.

A nice mixture of textures....although personally speaking the poem for me ended at "instead he stays silent"..........
and I'm wondering if perhaps that has too much finality in relation to its placement?

I can't help feeling that the susequent text becomes superfluous in being delivered as it currently is.

Just a thought,

Dalena x

hi Mark

Neat story - do you think you need to break it like that or would this more regular approach work

Sleet falls over a narrow snow bridge,
as mist descends the South-East ridge.
A climber sleeps on Everest’s roof,
skin white as alabaster betrays his youth.

that might also help you work on the metre, last line for example might be better as

skin, alabaster, betrays his youth

Have a go at polishing it.
elph

I like the way Elphin lengthened the lines. I think the opening shows a lot of promise but the second line was predictable in that 'alabaster white' and 'Everest roof' are well worn. I would try to say the same thing but find new expressions. Also maybe a twist rather than he climbed, he saw, he died theme.

Hob-nailed boots,
of tough English leather,
once walked on granite,
and Alpine heather.

I think this is really good because not only is it more descriptive but it gives us a little insight to who he was.

Bella

Great story.

I think Elphin has it right in many respects to.

A friend of mind who climbed Everest said to me, there are so many frozen people in time up there. The death zone, that is.

The human spirit is amazing, isn't it?

Liked it very much

L

Mark,
Loved the piece. Nothing new to add other than saying - "enjoyed the visuals".
Bring more.

Hi,

I agree with Elphin too actually, doubling up the lines gives it a better continuity without losing the rhythm. It just makes it more comfortable to read, which is good, even though it's already very enjoyable already!

I really like this poem though. I'm fascinated by climbing and exploring, and find this kind of story the most haunting. A man once hung dead from his rope on the north face of the Eiger for weeks before climbers were able to reach him and get him down. Haunting...

Thanks for the poem.

Thank you again for all your replies and advice. I did find this quite difficult, and appreciate just how much work is needed to compose a rhyming poem.

Dalena: I agree with your thoughts, and on reflection, the last few lines do seem unnecessary.

Elph: The line do work better without the breaks, though it was not something I would have considered. It will hwlp with the metre.

Bella: Fair point, certain lines are rather unoriginal (something I need to be aware of, in all my work). Glad you liked the other lines (quoted), and will use them as an examples in my other pieces.

Lovely & Arunansu: M. thanks!

Manfriday: I know the story, it was made into a film (North Face) for German Cinema last year and tells the story of Toni Kutz. A great film if you get a chance to see it.

Best
Mark

The commas at the end of every line look odd, Mark. Any particular reason for doing that? You really don't need them.

Cheers

David

Hello David

No reason really, just unfamiliar with the style. I'll try it with out commas next time.

Many thanks
Mark

I feel there may be a 'he' missing from S5L3, it doesn't seem to make grammatical sense otherwise.

Apart from that a nice easy read, enjoyed.

Gaz

Gaz

Many thanks. You're right, there is a 'he' missing from S5L3. I will correct.

Best
Mark