Poetry Forum

Tantra


He knows his way around my bones
better than he does his own.
Each monotone allusion to form
overlapping where light is excluded
reinforced by his effigy…
crafted in my mind, rewarding expectations.
In this void there are streamers
of the vaguest desires rushing by.
I have no hands to grasp them
or let go. I have lost every reason to try.


.

Interesting title and content. I can see where you are hinting at, yet I wonder would "Tantra" be a fitting title? Smiles.
Nice one.

I thought the opening was good. Got lost on:

Each monotone allusion to form
overlapping where light is excluded
reinforced by his effigy…
crafted in my mind, rewarding expectations

Maybe too much going on. Pare it down. I also wasn't sure if you meant 'allusion' or 'illusion'. You could cut 'crafted in my mind, rewarding expectations' and not lose anything. Or maybe incorporate those into another part of the poem. Seemed wordy.

Over all I like the 'flavor' of it.

B.

Dalena,
I love it when you drop by.
The first two lines are very inviting.

The ending made me sigh, very good descriptive language.

"In this void there are streamers
of the vaguest desires rushing by.
I have no hands to grasp them
or let go. I have lost every reason to try. "

Great poem,
Suzanne

Agree with Su, above. First two fantastic.

It has a great flow to it, and with one liked it All....

Lxxx

It's very nice.

Love the ups and downs more as a tanka in truth.


Closing guitars/ hit me /I know I cannot hide/ my feelings inside/

love/


L x