Poetry Forum

Revision

your stubble was to be kept
i said as i ran my hand along your jaw
you said she didn't like it at all
wants you smooth and civilized

upon my knees
bear on my knees
and that through you
I too may be built up

lean back with lidded eyes
damn
you Stubble, kneeling in front of me
you and your false obeisance
lifted one of my calves
onto your shoulder
looked straight at me
and then

kissed
the back of my knee

you released the ludic clink,
and those rusted calliopes
whistling and spent
the noon heat
sinks through our carnelian tent.












Original

your stubble was to be kept
i said as i ran my hand along your jaw
you said she didn't like it at all
wants you smooth and civilized

upon my knees
bear on my knees
and that through you
I too may be built up

lean back with lidded eyes
damn
you Stubble, kneeling in front of me
the noon heat
coming through carnelian tents
you and your false obeisance
lifted one of my ivory legs
onto your shoulder
heavy is the weight of
and then

kissed
the back of my knee

released the ludic clink,
and then those rusted calliopes
whistling and spent

It seems like there are two different stories or conversations going on.And a lot of knees.You and your false obeisance is good.I thought the first, or perhaps the first two, lines linked to the fifth line but after that it becomes more obscure and complicated until the last three lines I don't get at all. What is a ludic clink? I can't tell if it's about sex or shifting a piano.

Ray,
I revised. Does this help?
Yes two stories, one being the ancient story of Sarai and Hagar. The second being the modern 'other woman'.

I am not sure the revision necessarily explains that. Was hoping that someone would 'get' it, particularly with the opening lines.

Thanks for your comments. Much appreciated.

B.

I didn't know the story of Sarai and Hagar, I do now.It helps to understand some of the poem though not all.I too may be built up is clearer but these spent calliopes are a mystery. If you google ludic clink you get your poem come up, which is proof of the singularity of the phrase, I suppose.It's not about pianos then?

Hi Bella3,

I know the story of Sarai and Hagar, it is a heartbreaking one. It would be nice to see it clearer if that is your intention. The "other woman" plot was clear with the first section. The opening was very strong.

The second part about the knees, I knew immediately it sounded biblically phrased but would leave it out or add more about Sarai and Hagar.

My favorite part was the kiss behind the knee, the visuals were clear and pleasant.

I didn't understand the ludic and the pipes. Loved, loved the tent and the heat.

Welcome, always nice to have a bit more sensuality around.

Suzanne

and that title was more than perfect, it was intuitively magical.
Suzanne

Thanks for an intriguing read, Bella.I won't say I got it entirely, but I got a feel of what you're perhaps trying to convey. The most difficult ( and at the same time bearing beautiful sonics) is the last strophe. Sorry, I find no clue at all! I don't think a revision is necessary, but maybe a few more lines explaining your idea would certainly help. Thanks.

Ray, Sharra and Aru,
Totally agree that the last lines don't congeal with the poem. I have it set in the middle east and suddenly i'm throwing pipe organs into the ending.
Really interesting note is how poetic minds become a collective consciousness. When i first wrote this the ending was:

kissed
the back of my knee
released the ludic clink,
and rusted calliopes
about the base of me
i was contained in your
pendellum, swinging
in steady wishes
of electric arches.

I bow to Aru and his latest 'electric arcs'--see, great minds think alike.

When he kisses the back of her knee i was trying to go from the exterior to the interior. What was the result of the kissing? What did it do to her? It opened up all those rusted places. Ludic clink just means that something switched on--a happiness that had not been there. An erotic charge in swinging electric arches. Probably better kept for another poem. Some stuff is just hard to let go and trim when you like it. I will take another stab. In the mean time, is it effective until you get to the last verse or is it at best mediocre? I wonder if the preceding language is rich enough for the subject matter.

Thanks,
Bella

What I don't understand even yet is why you entwined those two tales. I think the language used is fine and what you've tried to do is intriguing. I like ludic clink now, before it looked like a phrase that had a special meaning.I like the carnelian tents too, but for me, rusted calliopes still sounds like something you'd find in a bike shed.