Homesick

[manfriday]

I had never seen a Sunday like it.
The shimmering bay in Galway.
Cavalier kids breading regal swans,
A Polish chef smoking broodily in the door
Of a greasy seafront café.
The river, hurtling between its banks,
Bridgebridgebridge
To catch its breath
In the shimmering bay in Galway.

Such a blue sky makes things crisp.
The melee of the streets huffing steam.
Nora Barnacle saw all this from the window of her home,
And the cathedral roof is a beautiful green.
So fresh, so new to me this bustling experience.

And yet, I am hollow.

I learn now that true meaning must draw
From places one knows.
And for me,
This teapot is dry and I long to fly home.

[arunansu]

Wonderful stuff! I just relished the detailed description here. Loved the line:
"Such a blue sky makes things crisp."

The last line is a gem. Thanks for this one.

[Sharra]

This is very descriptive and you have some great images in there.
I do wonder if you could find some fresher ways of decribing them though, as phrases like shimmering bay and greasy seafront café feel a little cliche.

I also feel that I learn now that true meaning must draw / From places one knows. is spelling out to the reader what the poem is about. It would be more powerful if you relied on showing rather than telling. How about ending with:
And yet, I am hollow.
This teapot is dry and I long to fly home.

Sharra
xx

[David]

Very good, Man F. I was getting that Joycey feeling already - I think it was the bridgebridgebridge, that's not a direct quote is it? - even before you hauled Nora Barnacle aboard.

And who else now remembers that, when using a teapot, you have to allow time for the tea to draw?

Good work.

Cheers

David

[k-j]

Very much enjoyced. The shimmering bay comes through loud and clear.

Some fine writing: "cavalier kids breading swans" (I'd get rid of "regal", which is rather cliched when applied to swans). The broody chef, the astute repetition of line 2 in line 9.

I love "the melee of the streets huffing steam".

The first two parts are very good. But I don't like the standalone line. "I am hollow" just isn't very imaginative - it's an image that's been used many times. And putting it by itself like this just draws attention away from the rest of the poem. Why not expand this thought, give it three or four lines, explore it creatively?

The last section sounds sort of like a lecture but I do like the image of the dry teapot. How about just "go home" instead of "fly home"?

[Sharra]

And who else now remembers that, when using a teapot, you have to allow time for the tea to draw?

I remember that! And still to this day I never drink the bottom bit of a cuppa - cos a few tea leaves always sneaked through the strainer and lurked there in the days before tea bags
Sharra
xx

[manfriday]

Ah, thank you everyone, SO much great advice. I'm not happy with the poem and until now had no idea how to fix it, but all of your input will give me a start. I'll get going! I'm pretty sure that 'bridgebridgebridge' isn't from Joyce, but if anyone knows how I can check this (without reading Ulysses!) I'd really appreciate it.

[Mark Townsend]

A very nice read. It does remind me of Galloway, and lots of other places I have visited. Loved the line...

'A Polish chef smoking broodily in the door'

This is an image I see every day in central London!

Best
Mark

[Lovely]

Yea well done it's a lovely little story and a nice piece of prose. Like the ending with the tea pot.

Nora Barnacle is a lucky girl with such a view, but there is nothing like home.

very nice read.

L