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Flooded hours

Posted: Sun Jul 05, 2009 8:24 am
by arunansu
Flooded hours

**
evening tide
swept my study room --
I’m in knee-deep water

**
Your busy cellphone
keeps you in a domain
out of my reach

**
fisherman
boards a small trawler --
nets my whims

**
I barbecue
carp and salmon fillets
on moonlit terrace

**

ebbing waves
leave out
your cryptic smiles

**

Re: Flooded hours

Posted: Sun Jul 05, 2009 9:13 am
by Mic
Another wonderful display of delicate whimsy Aru.

The last three are my favourites.

I didn't think the second one worked too well - there's a 'laziness' about it that lets the peice as a whole down. There is something a bit 'cavalier' about the word 'some', the ordinariness of the language here is at odds with the pleasing sensations and quirky images created by the rest of the 'tapas'. 'Network out-of-reach' seems a contradiction in terms.

Mic

Re: Flooded hours

Posted: Sun Jul 05, 2009 9:22 am
by arunansu
Thank you for your reply. Edited. Any better?

Re: Flooded hours

Posted: Sun Jul 05, 2009 11:43 am
by manfriday
Hi Aru,

This is great. Such delitcate imagery. I particularly like the image of the fisherman netting your whims, and then how you move on to indulge them in the moonlight. I have to take issue once again with the whole countable uncountable noun thing though. I'm pretty sure that carp is uncountable, though I don't know where to check. It just feels a little uncomfortable as is.

Otherwise a rich and enjoyable read.

Re: Flooded hours

Posted: Sun Jul 05, 2009 12:35 pm
by arunansu
Thanks Manfriday for your reply. Net says: carp (plural: carp or carps); source : http://www.allwords.com/details-carp-3442620.html

These little errors do bother me. Smiles.