Poetry Forum

A tidy sack


There isn't any thing
I'd rather like to do,
than yank out both your eyes,
you haven't got a clue!

You stop, stare, gape at me,
as if I were a child!
Silly, old expression-
sarcastic bastard smile.

I'd like to put your eyes
into a tidy sack,
tie them up forever,
just throw them out the back!

Then what would you look at
with that flat face of yours?
No smile in your wallet?
Head hollow now, of course!


.

Mmmm, this is an angry poem! It has a skipping rhythm and cheerful rhyme scheme which seems in contradiction to the words though. It is very steady though, which makes it easy to read, so that's good. Perhaps you could change the word 'just' in 'just throw them out the back' to 'and'. Just make more sense to me, feels more comfortable.

I liked this when I read it by anon. Still do! I enjoy the way the apparant politeness of the first two lines wrongfoots the reader; you deliciously and suddenly confound our expectations with "yank out both your eyes" And I like the bizzare development of what the narrator thinks about doing with the yanked out eyes. Angry. But charming somehow. You capture a familiar feeling. Certainly beats taking a breath and counting to ten.

I still can't believe you wrote this and not thoke.What is going on in that last verse? Why is this person's(it is about a person?) face flat and their head hollow? And no smile in their wallet? I'm convinced it should be "hollow head now, of course!"

Oh, poor guy! What has he done to suffer so much!
Such cruelty, are we living in medieval ages? Sigh!

NICE WRITE!

You have an unsuspected talent for vituperation, Suzanne.

I must remember to try to stay on the right side of you.

Cheers

David

ummmmmm you sure can express yourself Su.

What a nice flow of words and images here...was this man just a wallet? or a wallet with two eyes?

interesting stuff and a bit angry but then you got it out and that's what counts. Are there spiders in the garden?

spooky but nice. I will remember not to upset you from now on.

thanks

Thank you all for commenting on my little nasty rant.

Nice to hear that I can surprise you. I will have to do some more of this to show it was not just a fluke!
It is about people who stare (on the street ) when they see something that they believe to be unacceptable. Living in country that is not my own, I have often been the one stared at for one reason or another. I guess that is where it came from.

Thanks,
Suzanne