Poetry Forum

at 3a.m. a bright yellow ford fiesta passes,
i stand outside with the notebook that claims i am a horrible person
and i write things down.
i watch the cars, although few,
and struggle to write because of the shadow,
I decide whether or not to have another cigarette
and choose to leave it a while
because i've only just had one.

i think about how no one walks past because it's 3a.m
and proceed to notice a couple getting into, or out of, a car,
thus proving that thought irrelevant, and quite possibly superfluous
if only i actually knew what those words meant.

i notice my poor handwriting, still struggling with the shadow
and choose to leave this poem, being poor,
in favour of another cigarette
which at least belongs to me this time.





{my first poem posted. i'm doing a degree in writing next year, so i really have to brush up on my poetry. they all seem to amble at the moment, but i kind of like it that way.}

*edited out typo

Hello Mark. I liked the meandering nature of this.I wondered how the notebook would proclaim you as a horrible person, and the meaning of the last line.
I don't think the thought is superfluous or irrelevant. Just mistaken.
It is "no one" not noone.
Is ferbrache a Channel Isles name?

There are good pointers above friend..

I feel there is something here don't know as to why but your feelings
far outshine these words.

There is an emotion which has an ability to ray her light and give
us a tan under her sun.

Somehow i liked her......

thank you

Lx

why yes it is ray, how do you know that? normally people have never heard it!
and thanks for correcting my spelling. i don't know if i should get rid of superfluous or irrelevant, because i feel it shows that i'm using words that i don't have a grasp of. but if spoils it, just let me know and i'll rework the line.


sorry lovely, i don't quite understand what you're trying to say, could you clarify it a little more please?

I lived in Jersey and Guernsey for a few years in the 70s. I'm sure I knew someone of that name but can't remember who.Which one are you from?

I'm from guernsey. i would laugh if you knew a relative of mine!

oh, and i forgot about the horrible person line. in the notebook i was writing it in i got a massive block halfway through something and scrawled I HATE MYSELF I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON all over the page. (i don't actually think that by the way, it was a moment of bad frustration)

Perhaps I knew your dad!I used to live by The Houmet pub. Is that still there? When I was sober I was a great pool player in those days! Used to hustle a bit. Lot of people on Guernsey just called me Brummie.What part of the island are you from?

the vale. do you want to carry on the conversation via PM? instead of subject readers to this lol.

Interesting meandering piece - almost stream of consciousness.

I think the horrible person line might be too particular to the moment to work in this poem.

I proceed to notice is either a clever use of language a policeman might use in his notebook -"I was proceeding in a westerly direction your honour" - or out of place. Cant make up my mind.

elph

i could lie and say that proceed to notice was meant to be clever, but it wasn't.
what about?:
i think about how no one walks past because it's 3a.m
and notice a couple getting into, or out of, a car


at 3a.m. a bright yellow ford fiesta passes,
i stand outside with my special notebook
and i write things down.

does that work better?

Mark

For me that works. Id maybe say but notice.

elph

aww i was enjoying that conversation about guernsey

Elphin: i like but notice. it implies a sort of fumbling thing

ib which case, ray, can you give me some names and ill see if i know them

Mark -hello again. It felt like I was occupying your space and being a tad ridiculous to boot.Sorry.The only name I remember is a Wilf Ozanne, mostly I knew folk from the mainland but I'm sure I knew a Ferbrache, maybe Mick? I used to live most of the time at L'islet crossroads, which I think is Vale?I shan't ever forget an article in The Observer describing Guernsey as 50,000 alcoholics clinging to a rock. Has it changed much?

haha, no it hasn't really! i wanted to carry on the conversation via PM to prevent the boards from clogging up. i don't know a wilf ozanne. it would have been funny if you knew my dad!

It's a Worthy first poem.

Nice work, and glad you're here......... some nice responses above to..




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