Poetry Forum

You tied a crystal
to the window
with a cotton thread
so sunshine
through each turn
can choreograph
a new dance
of iridescent light
across my bed.




original:-

You tied a crystal
to the window
with a cotton thread
so sunshine
through each turn
can choreograph
a new dance
of iridescent light
across my bed;
like your freindship
through my life.

Beautiful imagery. Charming read.

I too think this is really beautiful - you have excellent judgment of phrasing, imho. Personally, I would lose the last two lines - just doesn't need to be made explicit and they detract from the impat. I would just prefer the image to remain - after all I think you convey the last two lines through the first nine anyway.

Thanks - liked it a lot

Rich - Basnik

Thanks aru, thanks Rich - Basnik

And Rich, you probably won't be surprised to learn that I am in ongoing agony over those last two lines; you know, to keep them or ditch them... dunno, immobilised by indecision.

Mic

Nice poem Mic, short and sweet!

How about keep them for your friend to reinforce the meaning but leave them off for the general reader so they are left with the images? I'm sure they're strong enough to convey the sentiment. The last couple of lines are, for me, telling, whereas the previous lines are showing, and that's far more rewarding - fits the Imagist feel of the poem.

Rich

Thanks Rich. That sounds like a plan. Revised accordingly.

Mic

I love the length of each line, it punctuates the flow of the poem very nicely!

A lovely write.

Many thanks for your comments Jsabian and PcfJ.

Mic

Dear Mic,
I would have kept the last lines. The revision reads well, but...