The Other You

[jsabian]

Hello, thanks for looking. - yes another deep peom from me! Would welcome feedback on the structure and content so feel free to give honest feedback.


The Other You

Will you like me if I dye my hair?
Will you like me if I walk with flair?

Will you like me if I get a tan?
Does it matter if it’s from a can?

Will my bright white teeth make you smile?
Will cheap sunglasses look too vile?

Maybe I should tuck and nip?
Perhaps I’ll then look young and hip?

Will my successes make me shine?
And make me think the world is mine?

Do you like my friends and think they’re cool?
I wouldn’t want to look a fool

What about the latest togs?
Will designer labels get me snogs?

Yes my dear they probably will
From others with a similar frill

But

Will you shout at kids when they’re your own?
Will you make your place a happy home?

Have you looked inside and seen your pain?
The one from which that you refrain?

Can you laugh and cry with equal ease?
Can you control your aim to please?

Are you happy to know your place?
The one upon the planet’s face?

Will you die with contentment in your eyes?
Having sorted honesty from lies?

The truth is that maybe not
But your effort to, will say a lot.

[arunansu]

Jsabian,

Perhaps it's better a stricter syllable count with poems which rhyme. As I notice, S1 and S2 each had 9 syllabled lines, but then it changed from S3 onwards. Also,

Will you die with contentment in your eyes? (10 syllables)
Having sorted honesty from lies? ( 9 syllables)

I like the content of the poem, and the flow is nice.

Enjoyed.

[Lovely]

Great advice above there friend, keep the syllables tight as you can and end where you began. The song then has a better
ring to it and the chorus can be felt and noted....

Cheers friend

l x

[mesmie]

Hiya Jsbian

Good advice from the above, some nice sentiments within though..

cheers
mes

[paisley]

this reminded me of green eggs and ham. the rhymes were clean as a whistle. Paisley

[Arian]

A nice idea, and some clever lines. But I agree with other comments – it could definitely benefit from a tighter metrical structure. The rhythm seems to falter quite often. There’s also some lines that are grammatically very suspect (e.g. The one from which that you refrain?).
Still, these points can quite easily be fixed, and it will then be a good piece. Thanks for the read.

[nar]

When I'm sixty four?



I enjoyed this, and I think you have all the advice you need from the others.

Cheers for a nice wee read.

- Neil