Death of steam (Manchester 1969)

[Susan-Morris3]

Monochrome years of yesterday
I see you vivid beast, burn your fire belt it out,
flay your cinders red, roar your mighty engine
bark exhaust and hiss your steam,
split my ears, scream your whistle, pick up speed
slam right passed, haul your clanking waggons
thunder through the years, just a dream away from me,
glory days of working steam.


Electric wires came creeping,
weaving tendrils sparkling over rails,
smokey locomotive, glint of brass
king of coal, iron ore and steel.
You fought the battle bravely,
but no-matter how you tried,
you couldn't win, the fight was fixed,
many miles way down the line.


I smell you iron giant, encased in Axel grease
work weary sad begrimed,
I here you softly panting, Leakey valves set vapour free.
Brave warrior I am with you, in this place you come to die,
Sunshine's on this autumn evening,
I stand with leaden heart, dust hovers in the corners
where your working days began.


Smut marked tears, the driver, winks his last goodbye,
drops your fire sacks your chimney,
all working days are done. Farewell fat rusty friend,
the brightest lights gone out, all the North is weeping,
revolutions at an end. they say a bright tomorrow
I say. in time the future, will hold a thousand sad regrets.

[arunansu]

Enchanted, and enthralled. What a beautiful tribute to those steam engines. They still lurk in our minds, like our own memories. Loving this entirely. Thanks for sharing.

[Susan-Morris3]

Thanks for taking the time to read and leave a comment, much appreciated x

[Lovely]

I agree it's enchanting,

what a nice write.

There's loads of good images here nice and strong.

thanks

[Susan-Morris3]

Thank you lovely for your lovely comments x

[nar]

Hey, Susan.

I think this unconstrained write is freely written. What you feel comes through to me.

The way you make S1 & S3 about you, yet S2 is about the subject is nicely done. In S4 the subject is mixed (you/me) which works well. The only thing I would say is that all your you/me stuff doesn't fully include ME as the reader. It's a little bit of a dialogue between you and your subject. Which can make the reader feel a litltle excluded. Sorry , but that's how I felt - a bit like a voyeur.

There's no doubt that you know your subject, and you use great language to describe it, but I feel a little bit like an outsider when I read it.

Cheers,

- Neil

[Susan-Morris3]

Well thank you for your honest comments Neil, I like nothing better than honesty so don't be sorry, for how am I supposed to know if no one says? your comments are true I agree. Suppose the message was clear then in a way, for it had to be about the day the last working steam train pulled into Manchester. so unless you were there on the day , you would be an outsider would you not.
It was a poem for the people who felt the sadness of that particular day. So do admit it was written for a select very few. A special for them.
I must also add I wasn't there on the day and know absolutely nothing about steam, or any other train. But I have herd my dads friends talking very fondly of those days of steam, industrial revolution , hard work and the comradely of the time. Have seen the mixture of happy memories and sadness in there eyes. Wanted to capture a special moment for the working northern man, who don't seem to get much recognition in the great scheme of things. I'm just a good listener and have a vivid imagination.

[Arian]

Some great imagery here, Susan – especially liked the description of the arrival of electricity and the idea of the loco softly panting. And you evoke a strong sense of sadness at the passing of an era.
On the downside, I thought the piece lacked a coherent metrical structure – the rhythm seemed a little jerky and strained to me. Perhaps it’s a bit of a cliché to try and write it to some sort of chugging meter, a la Betjeman, to reflect a train’s motion, but I think it would benefit from a smoother delivery. Perhaps It’s just a matter of different line breaks and punctuation – you’ve certainly got something here, I think. Thanks for the post.

[Susan-Morris3]

Thanks Arian for taking the time to read my poem, i will edit my poem taking into consideration comments made, I'm not very good at punctuation that's a fact, and i know it can make a great deal of difference to how a poem comes across, so will have a go at making it sound better with a bit more work. x