Lisa Of Battersea

[Lovely]

She's stunning yet has a stammer
her beauty hits one like a hammer,
she parts the sea when she goes
she an angel which heaven knows.

She's humble, and doesn't boast,
she so much like the holy-ghost,
she thinks of others more herself---
a rare quality in a material world.

Of fame and fortune she has none
but of my heart she has won,
she is a girl I love so much
more gold than all the buttercups,

she is a flower, of heavenly power,
she is a sunset giving rest,
of heart and mind she has the best
never now my soul can rest.

[Susan-Morris3]

Like this one lovely, especially like the line. " More gold than all the buttercups. " Ahhhhh x

[Danté]

Lovely

You have used some good visuals and movement in this depiction of your character. The hammer imparts motion although some of the lines seem to have their syntax chopped to the bone to get them to fit while others are more flowing. The meter varies in places and almost feels like anapest in places which perhaps is being constricted by your line lengths. I'd make the lines longer or utilise the shorter lines where you could position the accents in a more uniform manner and possibly go for an iambic meter if your current rhythm still feels constricted by adjusting the lines where you have not used all the available syllables and accents. Definitely worth a polish as rhyming metered poetry can be wonderfully melodic if one really nails the form with consistency in each verse. I'd almost guess you had a tune in mind while writing and that is all you need to fine tune this if you apply it and do not compromise.

enjoyed reading

Danté

[Lovely]

Thank you Susan and thank you Dante very much for both your time.
'
I did like this myself somehow and Dante, she is a song, a little bit on the rap side though.......thanks for that.

I tried to endear the virtues of a 'lovely lady' here beautuful in every way nice to see some of it was explained
the way I felt her at the time. Thanks.

Dante, I agree with your comments very helpful for me; but also glad you enjoyed her in some small way.

Susan, like your buttercups to.........nice to see you.

LOL to All

[David]

She sounds like a sweetie, L. I like it. I like the jaunty sunniness of it, although that last line has a haunted quality.

Cheers

David

[arunansu]

Already Dante has given you some solid suggestions regarding the meters. Personally I enjoyed the rhymes and half-rhymes. Loved S1 the most.

Enjoyed.

[John G]

i used to live in Battersea for a good portion of my life.