Waves playing an endless game of tag
like children chasing each other,
never tiring to the shore.
'Nah, nah, you can't catch me'
a wave tries to tag my son,
but at the very last minute he
jumps out of the way.
Children's laughter in the air,
games up and down the beach.
scattered Initials drawn in the sand,
miles of undying love.
Pebbles carefully selected
from millions carelessly left behind,
stored like precious jewels,
found weeks later in pockets.
The endless drone of the sea,
an approaching train,
never quite reaching its destination.
Sitting here in the warmth of the summer sun,
a gentle breeze kindly pulling my hair away from my face
so I can jot these memories down.
Day at the beach
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mummybear7
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Last edited by mummybear7 on Thu Sep 10, 2009 7:40 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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oranggunung
- Preponderant Poster
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Hi MB
Beautifully written. The scenes described are all delightful.
I find the writing quite prosaic and wonder if the piece would appear more poetic if you sculpted (trimmed) some of the phrasing. I have no problems with the free form, just the writing style.
Perhaps the last two lines do not need to be said, as the descriptions already give the reader that impression. Less can be more.
halcyon days indeed
og
Beautifully written. The scenes described are all delightful.
I find the writing quite prosaic and wonder if the piece would appear more poetic if you sculpted (trimmed) some of the phrasing. I have no problems with the free form, just the writing style.
Perhaps the last two lines do not need to be said, as the descriptions already give the reader that impression. Less can be more.
halcyon days indeed
og
Oh yeah, enjoyed this one. I second Og regarding the last two lines. Do you feel shorter lines would have tightened it? Smiles. 
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mummybear7
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Hi there,
Thanks again for commentry - it is really useful.
I am going to look at working on this, as I think that tightening it up will help.
Helen.
Thanks again for commentry - it is really useful.
I am going to look at working on this, as I think that tightening it up will help.
Helen.-
mummybear7
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Thanks Lovely, you are indeed Lovely!
I am really enjoying writing.
I am really enjoying writing.
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Susan-Morris3
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Very pleasing images in your lovely poem, enjoyed reading it nicely done my friend x 
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Suzanne
- Perspicacious Poster
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Nice capture of a day. Good job.
"Pebbles carefully selected
from millions carelessly left behind,
stored like precious jewels,
found weeks later in pockets."
I am constantly looking for pebbles to be handled and carried in my pockets.
I enjoyed this.
Suzanne
"Pebbles carefully selected
from millions carelessly left behind,
stored like precious jewels,
found weeks later in pockets."
I am constantly looking for pebbles to be handled and carried in my pockets.
I enjoyed this.
Suzanne
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mummybear7
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As always - thanks for the commentry - its great to get feedback pointing you in the right direction