An eager suicide- edit

[Suzanne]

An eager suicide


A knife may have been simpler,
blade running softly over my wrists,
life trickling past perfumed tissue
leaving a red stain at my feet.

Drowning may have been quicker,
cool waves embracing my powdered skin,
sight blurring as I sunk into a dark pocket,
shoes still on my stubborn feet.


But it was your lips

on the back of my neck,

your rolling white whispers
in my ears,
and your sweet
meandering fingers in my hair
that have me completely immobilized
and I know,

seeing you again would be lethal.




-,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.,
Edit- removed
So, come. Come, quickly.
Word change- pool to stain
Removed some pronouns,
depths to pocket, tender to the first touch.

Slight word order change near end.
removed-"the first touch of" from lips, lol.


.

[arunansu]

This is a delightful read, although I wish for certain changes. Here's my version:

A knife may have been simpler...
a blade running softly over my wrists,
my life tickling past tissues
leaving a red pool at my feet.

Drowning may have been quicker,
with the cool waves embracing my skin,
my sight blurring as I sink into dark depths,
stubborn shoes still on my feet.


But it was your tender lips on the back
of my neck,your rolling white whispers
in my ears,and your sweet meandering fingers
in my hair that have completely immobilized me
and I know, seeing you again would be lethal.

- How about this?

[Ros]

Good stuff. Agree with aru, I would lose the last two lines. Lethal is a great place to end.

Ros

[Arian]

To begin at the end, yes, I agree: stop at lethal.

A very nice idea, Suzanne, and I like its gentle sense of yearning – or is it regret? Whatever, there’s strong emotion there, and some nice lines. Two things troubled me, though. One, some of the language perhaps doesn’t do the piece justice by verging on the cliché (red pool, dark depths, tender lips). The other thing is more structural, I think, or at least to do with narrative consistency. You end up (or might end up!) saying that seeing you would be lethal (implying you’re still with us – good news!) – but you begin (S1 and S2) in the perfect tense, with its implication that you’ve already done the deed. Would it not be better, just a suggestion, to change to - A knife may be simpler/Drowning may be quicker...etc. The rest doesn’t need to change.

Otherwise the poem says you're dead, but somehow you're not.

Still, I like the overall piece, thanks.
peter

There's a typo in L1, btw.

[Suzanne]

Aru and Ros,
Thank you for the feedback, I have tweaked and removed the last lines. Thank you for the time.

Peter,
you have pointed not some very good things a i have thought about them. I have changed some of the words and i hope it retains its flow. The time element is interesting and i see this female as in the process of her pondering the choice of options and not having completed the event yet. The first two opening methods are being weighed against the third and she is still very warmly alive throughout.

It is like already being on the highway to you destination and thinking that route X would have been faster and route Q would have been more scenic but route A, that you are on, has the best places for a secluded picnic with your favorite companion.

And me? Typos? I can barely sign my name without one. Lol. Thank you. I never see them. I appreciate it, it is good if can avoid looking stupid. Lol. It is a challenge some days!

Warmly,
Suzanne

[ray miller]

I think you ought to be rid of the may have beens, or at least one of them."A knife would be simpler" "Quicker by drowning"?
What is it with your feet? They seem to be suffering a recurrent stubbornness syndrome. Try reflexology.
Great ending., not a great title, though. How about To Die For?

[Arian]

Hi Suzanne, yes, I take your point, I think. Somehow, though, it still seems just a teensy bit unnatural to me. I also found myself stumbling, just slightly, over the occasional absence of article (blade), but repeated personal pronoun (which makes it a little ungainly to my ear)

To my mind, something like the below might work more smoothly (forgive the liberty, not my usual style, just a suggestion)

A knife would be simpler: blade
running softly over wrists; life
tickling past perfumed tissue,
redness at feet.

Drowning would be quicker: cool waves
embracing powdered skin; sight
blurring with the sink to darkness,
stubborn shoes clinging.

But it was the first touch of your lips

on the back of my neck, with

your rolling white whispers
in my ears,
and your sweet
meandering fingers in my hair
that immobilised me completely,
and I know:

seeing you again would be lethal.

As I say, just tinkering - I shan’t be hurt if you think I'm talking rubbish (one of my greatest talents). Whatever, it's a nice piece.
Cheers
peter

[tool]

This poem is very communicative, it is though the dead
were talking to the dead, where a disfavour has come
Into play, to write such a powerful poem, an emotional
Poem, a poem of great conversation of hidden bones
that rattle the inner peace of the inner mind;
tool

[nar]

Well!

This could never be written by ANON, could it?



It's wonderful, Suz.

rolling white whispers

<shudders>

sweet meandering fingers
in my hair

Is it just me, or could that mean... <snip>...

Perfectly Suzanne.

No nits from me.

- Neil.

[Suzanne]

Ray,

To die for is a great idea for the title! Very clever.
What is is with me and feet? I don't know! lol. or I won't tell... or maybe it is consistent metaphor I use?
Oh, poetry is fun.

Peter and Ray,
I am sticking with my have beens, I like the way it sounds when I read it. I like the way it is heard in my voice. It is a tricky thing to know how to write down what you want to sound like in people heads. I am sticking with my original thought, if i can get my software to make Mp3's instead of whatever it is that it makes, I will post them someday.

tool, thank you for your reply which seems kind hearted in nature but I am not sure what it means.

Neil,
You made my day!
I loved the idea of the shudder. You heard what I wanted you to hear... yes, ahhh.. rolling white whispers.

Thanks you very much. I love that you hear my voice. Do you think my Mystery Muse, where ever he is, hears it so clearly? I can only hope.


Warmly,
Suzanne

[Arian]

That's fair enough Suzanne - you have to stick with what you believe in!
It's a nice piece.
All the best
peter

[Lovely]

Loads of love dear Su.

I love you simply for you and so to your heavenly expressions of heavenly ways.

Please don't feel like this..................kisss.....xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx




l xxxx

[Patrick92]

excellent work here suzanne...i think the ne edit is better than original

well done

[Suzanne]

Peter, thank you for your encourgment. It makes me want to post more. Your ideas are always helpful and so respectfully stated. I like that.

Lovely, thank you for your consistent positive coments. You are like a gust of the wind moving by. thanks.

Patrick92,

Thank you for your kind comments, an edit gets ignored more often than not and feedback on an edit is always welcome. Thank you.

Warmly,
Suzanne- I have to get my mp3 software.....