Poetry Forum

They puzzle over it – faces tight, twisted, screwed
suppressing ugly smiles with uglier smirks

Feigning concern for me,
they list your faults – chapter and verse

Dead eyes roll to each other, speaking in tongues
an orgy of advice and council

They have never loved!

I begin to smile, and they are as white noise
A cloud of no note that will pass, given time

Your faults disclosed so bleakly -
your faults, undeniably true

Are the very faults that brought me running
unconditionally to you.

I liked this poem a lot; it is accessible and is tangible; like something you could hold in your hands and say yes I can do with some of this; you written something which has a lovely clarity; rather than an obscure hard to comprehend piece of writing and its awesome. I imagined that the "harsh judges" might be family or friends; you know the people who are so close they think it gives them carte blanche to wreck our lives from time to time and to walk all over our important feelings; I have done it often. But then I wondered who are "they"; if perhaps you told us would it give the poem more context; and then would there be more identification? Of course, you may not give a damn about any of that identification stuff and why should you.

I think, it is a fine piece; I thought the structure was great; I really am after reading and appreciating more poetry like this;

Hi, WV,

strong stuff! I agree very much with brahms I think this would stike a cord with most people. It's very well written.
One small nit for me, although I love the last four lines, they ryhme when the rest of the poem doesn't. I kind of feel it's an all or nothing, either you do or you don't, but a great read none the less.

cheers,
Sneaker

I can almost read this as being about everybody being beastly to the new boy in a poetry forum. That's not it, is it, Vern?

Cheers

David

Thanks very much for the comments - they are truly appreciated.

Brahms, thanks very much - I did have some individuals in mind when writing the poem, but I didn't want to over-explain who they were in case it narrowed the meaning for the reader. I wanted to concentrate on expressing the futility of the speaker trying to explain something they could never understand.

Sneaker - thanks again, I take your point about the last part rhyming. I normally write them all or nothing myself, but this one tumbled out this way, and it felt right upon reading it a few times. Will bear it in mind in future - thanks.

David - ha! It could be about PG, but glad to report a very positive experience to date (although it is early days)......

WobblyVern wrote:David - ha! It could be about PG, but glad to report a very positive experience to date (although it is early days)......

Great. Let me know if you have any problems, though ... some of this lot are pretty beastly.

"they have never loved"


Nice. Raised in Oxford, what a cheap kiss that is.

Done a degree but learned nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
When i was there it's so full of crap.....really.
.
They hallow on their moments but they yearn inside themselves?

I will say no more now about Oxford and its crap..........

xxx

Dear Wobbly,

I just like to add that I enjoyed reading your poem. Really love the closing lines. Thanks.

Nicely expressed, I’m sure a lot of people can relate to the feeling.

Personally, I think it could do with some punctuation to hold the reader up in places (e.g. after Couplet 1 and C2, a colon (or other pause) after noise)

Do you mean counsel, by the way? Or are your love’s critics members of local government?

I think the rhymed ending works ok, though the you/true combination smacks just a teensy bit of cliché – or at least overuse.
Anyway, I liked it, thanks.
peter

Arian, I had to laugh when I read your comments. My grasp on this fine language is tentative at best, and these errors will creep in - but your keen eye was right, of course. It was quite a personal poem, but now I have a picture in my head of our local clerk of works gravely rubbing his chin, whilst the Chief co-ordinator of anti noise pollution offers a sage word! My only defence is that I did say that I had no formal education (Hello, Good Evening and Welcome - New Boy Skulking At The Back).

Weak, but the only defence I have. Thanks again!

A pleasure, Vern - yes, it does conjure an amusing image. Your grasp of the written word seems far from tenuous to me.
cheers
peter