In Balance
He cursed at damage to a petal
while arranging his agenda.
Spanners out of reach of his hand,
black under the tip of each nail.
She sounds like she’s in oestrus,
his tools are barely oxidized.
A distant bearing squeals,
it seizes up; is silenced.
His phone is set on voice mail,
her ring is on the table.
.
In Balance
Nice, Tim.
Is this the first time I've seen "oestrus" in a poem? I think so. I had to look it up.
It sounds to me like more tales of a philandering man, but what the oxidization of tools might symbolise, I dunno.
"His phone is set on voice mail,
her ring is on the table."
I like that.
Cheers
David
Is this the first time I've seen "oestrus" in a poem? I think so. I had to look it up.
It sounds to me like more tales of a philandering man, but what the oxidization of tools might symbolise, I dunno.
"His phone is set on voice mail,
her ring is on the table."
I like that.
Cheers
David
I know I have raised questions about this and that of late on your behalf
but this is a weak poem Dante. It is not you. Really.
I just don't like her.
Reasons: it is to mundane
2: what does it say?
3: It is the same old story
4: (light) I like you better when you let rip.
5: There is nothing like love
Last 2 (s) needed here Dante
Dave x
but this is a weak poem Dante. It is not you. Really.
I just don't like her.
Reasons: it is to mundane
2: what does it say?
3: It is the same old story
4: (light) I like you better when you let rip.
5: There is nothing like love
Last 2 (s) needed here Dante
Dave x
Thanks for reading David, I appreciate it.
Lovely,
It's one of those pieces that may or may not appeal to an individual depending on how it connects.
I've written in a vast array of styles and this particular piece is sticking to the bare bones without me having to
put every little fragment in place, as the reader can if inclined fill in the detail.
For me it's kind of like
A guy who works hands on with grease and metal being bothered by damage to a flower, which depicts his attention to detail and an ability to switch to a contrasting item and make time to prepare for the stuff that's not work orientated.
Spanners and blackened nails, very hands on practical engineering type of groove.
She sounds like she's being touched in a way that puts the snap into aldante green beans, she likes it and his hands
can do the subtle stuff as well as pulling spanners.
His tools are barely oxidised because they are seldom at rest, he has to make out of work time special.
He´s had the tools a long time, they have seen active service.
His phone is on voice mail, something has broken and he aint gonna fix it right now cos he's busy.
Her ring is on the table, his phone wont ring cos it's on divert. Both having made a symbolic gesture with the ring
and the phone. The significance of this is perhaps her life or his is balanced at this moment but could lose
that stabilty outside of that particular brief passage of time.
What does the ring signify and the fact it's on the table?
Like it or loathe it, I write outside the box when ever I feel like it, crit as harsh as you like
but justify it and offer an alternative that might improve the piece. Be specific unless it's simply
a matter of taste, in whch case say so and then find an objective point that I can work with.
regards
Danté
Lovely,
It's one of those pieces that may or may not appeal to an individual depending on how it connects.
I've written in a vast array of styles and this particular piece is sticking to the bare bones without me having to
put every little fragment in place, as the reader can if inclined fill in the detail.
For me it's kind of like
A guy who works hands on with grease and metal being bothered by damage to a flower, which depicts his attention to detail and an ability to switch to a contrasting item and make time to prepare for the stuff that's not work orientated.
Spanners and blackened nails, very hands on practical engineering type of groove.
She sounds like she's being touched in a way that puts the snap into aldante green beans, she likes it and his hands
can do the subtle stuff as well as pulling spanners.
His tools are barely oxidised because they are seldom at rest, he has to make out of work time special.
He´s had the tools a long time, they have seen active service.
His phone is on voice mail, something has broken and he aint gonna fix it right now cos he's busy.
Her ring is on the table, his phone wont ring cos it's on divert. Both having made a symbolic gesture with the ring
and the phone. The significance of this is perhaps her life or his is balanced at this moment but could lose
that stabilty outside of that particular brief passage of time.
What does the ring signify and the fact it's on the table?
Like it or loathe it, I write outside the box when ever I feel like it, crit as harsh as you like
but justify it and offer an alternative that might improve the piece. Be specific unless it's simply
a matter of taste, in whch case say so and then find an objective point that I can work with.
regards
Danté
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
-
WobblyVern
- Posts: 35
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 12:41 pm
- antispam: no
A nice piece for me to ponder on, sir. I also looked up 'Oestrus', and formed some sort of picture. I made a connection with 'black underneath fingernails' and thought of dirty hands, and 'spanners out of his reach' to perhaps mean an unwanted pregnancy on his part?
It's a bit of a minefield, this interpretation lark aye? All the same, I liked it sir. Have read a few of yours now, and I like your style. Don't rush upstairs to the big playground, because there's no way I'm critting up there!
It's a bit of a minefield, this interpretation lark aye? All the same, I liked it sir. Have read a few of yours now, and I like your style. Don't rush upstairs to the big playground, because there's no way I'm critting up there!
-
WobblyVern
- Posts: 35
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 12:41 pm
- antispam: no
You posted you explanation as I was typing. Makes me out a right dimmer - still, I think I enjoyed my interpretation just as much!
I learned from Oxford but learned nothing Dante. Those 'proffs' are sick in the head
Really. They have a question to every thing but nothing.............Dante.
Yea i studied there for five years but my god please forgive me now! Please.
Please. Please.
love xxx
Really. They have a question to every thing but nothing.............Dante.
Yea i studied there for five years but my god please forgive me now! Please.
Please. Please.
love xxx
Dante
For me it is hard to be on a panel of inquisitors.
What i read was absolutely different of what people
Thought. I thought it was about sex, with a mask in
the way it was written, if it was, i roll out the red carpet.
tool
For me it is hard to be on a panel of inquisitors.
What i read was absolutely different of what people
Thought. I thought it was about sex, with a mask in
the way it was written, if it was, i roll out the red carpet.
tool
Tim
A little while since I have commented on soemthing of yours - apologies for that.
There is something appealing and well built about this - I think the balance or imbalance point comes across most strongly in the final stanza. I read it as two people on the point of an affair/breaking vows or however it might be characterised.
With that in mind some of the words and phrases work for me but others dont. The petal contrasting with something works except I dont get agenda - I would link agenda to officeworkers not a soemone with spanners. Could s1 lead to s2 if he is arranging his spanners.
I dont think you need of his hand - out of reach implies that.
"oestrus" - i'll put it down to personal taste but its too clever a word for me for this poem which to some extent relies on basic language of the tools.
Distant bearing stanza works - its seizing up and silence.
Last stanza is loaded - cracker.
There we are detailed crit offered as always for taking or leaving as you see fit.
cheers
elph
A little while since I have commented on soemthing of yours - apologies for that.
There is something appealing and well built about this - I think the balance or imbalance point comes across most strongly in the final stanza. I read it as two people on the point of an affair/breaking vows or however it might be characterised.
With that in mind some of the words and phrases work for me but others dont. The petal contrasting with something works except I dont get agenda - I would link agenda to officeworkers not a soemone with spanners. Could s1 lead to s2 if he is arranging his spanners.
I dont think you need of his hand - out of reach implies that.
"oestrus" - i'll put it down to personal taste but its too clever a word for me for this poem which to some extent relies on basic language of the tools.
Distant bearing stanza works - its seizing up and silence.
Last stanza is loaded - cracker.
There we are detailed crit offered as always for taking or leaving as you see fit.
cheers
elph