Poetry Forum

Safe within, this life unexamined
Shrouded by a mother’s love
Held aloft from grief, spite, unworthy pursuit
Barricaded from deceit, pride and good intentions
Cradled by the womb, a stranger even to hate – just for now


Deep within, this life begins to stir - begins it’s greatest struggle
Toes curling and uncurling, fists clenched – all is stirring
This life, unblemished, untested
emerges…


Pain – first to visit, declares itself as blinding light
In shock, this new life draws first breath…
And rejects it with an indignant scream
Fists still clenched, this new life crosses over
As the old world fades – never to return – except perhaps in dreams


In time all will visit – grief, malice, pride, alas – even hate
But still there will be love, the only gift left from the old world
And for this new life, as yet unexamined, it’s enough – just for now

Dear wobbly

That was a poem of wonder, about a little human.

And its muscular movement against the fluid pressure in the womb,

The center of the universe, with the forming of brain and spinal cord,

And the protection from the shameful vices of out side,

tool

I liked the subtle allusion to riencarnation. I think this could be improved by approaching some of the lines
in a slightly less predictable manner in respect of some of them sounding like the commonplace descriptions.
examples: life stir, shrouded mother, cradled to name a few.
Don't get me wrong it's not that I think it's glaringly cliché, it´s more a case of there being scope for lifting
the poem a little more and showing the reader something more personal to yourself by way of describing things
and using metaphor in a manner that makes the poem express you and your thoughts more individually.
I think you can also ditch the apostrophe in the first its, as it is possessive in that context anyways.

Thanks for the read

Regards

Danté

I agree 100% percent with Dante (if you're into football I'm prepared to abandon the science of mathematics and make that 110%)

I'd be tempted to start with S3 and make the reader work to derive meaning from the poem - imply your thinking
rather than state it explicitly.

IMHO this is well worth the effort of a reworking.

Geoff

I liked it but it is perhaps rather trite; or presumptive/presumptious in its central tenet; i.e. that the womb is a safe loving place. I guess i am saying that it is a little conventional for me in its treatment of the subject matter and too predictable;

However, many would love it; they would live in worlds where all was rosy during these times; I work in the criminal law and come across another side of life there; you know? I have become like a tired old copper or something; although i am not one at all. lorraine

Specially liked the opening stanza, comparing the womb as some sort of defense against the world.
Summed up probably the trauma of being born

Tool, Danté,TwoLeftFeet,Brahms and Zoot -thanks for critting this one. Take your various points, I will try and approach this one differently and give it a rework when I get a moment or three. Thanks very much for reading again.

I agree with Dante and twoleftfeet on this one - you definitely have something here that could be really good. I especially liked

Toes curling and uncurling, fists clenched – all is stirring
This life, unblemished, untested
emerges…

Another thing to think about maybe is dropping the capital letters at the start of the lines (not wanting to open that whole debate) but I feel they interrupt the flow. Also maybe put in some punctuation to make use of the opportunities for enjambment you have here.

Sharra
xx

Sharra - thanks for the points you raised. I had to look up enjambment, but understand now. I usually feel safer with end stops (they were on the same page that explained enjambment), but will definitely give it a go. Inspired by some of the more metaphorical-leaning (no idea if that's English or not) work on this board, I am working on a piece that is nothing like my usual safe, easy to read stuff. Hope to post soon. Thanks again.