Poetry Forum

I wear these crowns of thorns
you are someone and I am here.


Everyone I know goes in the end.
I don't want you hurt.

i wear these crowns of thorns
as the feelings fear (above me) as well below me,
I would keep myself, some how find a way
to love you dear upon this earth.

I guess i'll make you hurt

these feelings now appear.My hands into the atmosphere
my cloak the blackness of space riding a wind in a negative
atmosphere. For (millions) of years I have been hurt. So hurt my dear.

A soul Mate I have not found; i'll cry this loud.


What have I become my sweet dear friend
everyone I know goes away in the end.

And all I know goes in the end....it's a hurt.
Forget my empire of dirt

Some how I'll find a way to you

this needle Hurts It so hurts me true.

Sorry....it hurts. This needle tears a hole
and its point pins down my pain and Soul.

Full of broken thoughts what have i become,
my sweetest friend, I'll leave you and hurt.

Everyone I know goes away....... in the end.
What have I become... it goes away in the end.

Hurt, Hurt.....hurt,

(everyone I know, goes away in the end): my empire of dirt
will make you hurt my friend.

What have I become; if not hurt in the end.

For my (very) Dear mate, Eric Clapton.

You have some...er....lovely images here, Lovely. I think if you centered on them that the poem would come together and be more focused on your train of thought.

I like the line "My hands into the atmosphere/my cloak the blackness of space riding a wind in a negative" but you should probably omit the second "my" and insert another line break after "space" because the second part of that line was a bit long-winded.

I also line the line "This needle tears a hole/and its point pins down my pain and Soul." but I think you can get rid of the "Sorry, it hurts" before it.

You mention being full of broken thoughts, but in the poem your thoughts seem to be whole, so perhaps if you cut down some of it to mirror your broken thoughts the reader would connect with it without you having to mention them.

Hope that helps!!

Thanks for your words and thoughts here friend. Thank you.

Yea, I didn't see this here

much

Sorry just noticed a typo.....dam.............dam........

I scream to change her....done................dam

How the hell do we get rid of typos here? Human I guess.

You can change your typos with the edit function, L. Should work okay.

I'm just wondering whether you should tone this one down a notch or two. There's a lot of repetition, and you start at full throttle with the crowns of thorns image, which - even to me - seems a bit overstated.

What do you think?

Cheers

David

i wear these crowns of thorns
as the feelings fear (above me) as well below me,
I would keep myself, some how find a way
to love you dear upon this earth
- Really loved the lines.

I second David about the repetitions. This could be a more compact read with a bit of trimming. Written extremely well.

Hi,
interesting.
just wondered about referencing the Johnny Cash song paraphrased here... deliberate or accidental?! I guess it's deliberate and you figured we all know it!

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

I'm pretty positive it was a Nine Inch Nails song orignally, redone by Cash.

Yeah, I haven't checked but I'm sure you're right - it was on an album he did covering songs by modern artists.

Marc

D'oh! Kicking myself for not recognising this.

Yes it is 'a take' from nine inch nails. All i did was chopped it around adding here and there without destroying its original beauty.

It's a beautiful song, and yes, Cash made it his own along withn many other known artists who have done renditions of nine inch nails.

Is all I done was change the words here and there according to my own feelings. I done this because it is a beautiful song about drug
addiction and its pain.........

Hi Lovely,
Ermmm, if I'm honest, I didn't like this poem. It just feels like the tone of the song but its not the same. I just feel like there isn't much point of using the exact lines of the song throughout the poem because then we may as well just listen to the song especially Cash's self-eulogising version. I'm sorry but if you took the idea from the song and then adapted it bit more and not quoted directedly it would be far more successful as a piece.
I hate to sound too rude but it's just the way I feel.
thanks, Patrick

Gidday Lovely

The constant tossing around of NIN "Hurt" lines made it somewhat unreadable for me. Great lyrics slashed (there's an irony for you). Bowie used to do the same sort of thing, but not with lines from well-known works. I must look up his sources.

A good experiment in dadaism but it didn't scan for me.

Thanks man. Bowie is something else, eh? Didn't know he did this...but I have noted the old master poets did it to! Made their own renditions
when inspired to do as it were..feelings and thanks to you

Patrick to: thanks for your words and thoughts. Thanks everyone to of course.