Poetry Forum

Sombre, silent, special corps,
scarred or limbless from some war.
Beret, badge, kilts and drum,
remember, remember, your loved one.
Plumes, braid, brass and grey,
red, red, remembrance day.
Veteran, medals and military staff,
columns pass the Cenotaph.
Left, right, salute and cry

and yet again,
the dead ask why?

2nd version

Sombre, silence, special corps,
scarred or limbless from some war.
Beret, badge, kilts and drum,
remember, remember, your loved one.
Plumes, braid, brass and grey,
red, red, remembrance day.
Veteran, medals and military staff,
columns pass the Cenotaph.
Left, right, salute and cry

and yet again,
the dead ask why?


1st version

Sombre, silence, special corps,
scarred, limbless from some war.
Beret, badge, kilts and drum,
remember, remember, remember someone.
Plumes, braid, brass and grey,
red, red, remembrance day.
Veteran, medals and military staff,
columns pass the Cenotaph.
Left, right, salute and cry

and yet again,
the dead ask why?

What can I say? Perfect poem for remembrance day.

I liked the flow/meter and rhyming of the piece and the last two lines, beautiful, deep and true.
Thanks for your poem.
kimibob

I second Kimibob. What I liked most was the rhythm, reminded me of mourning drum-beats.

Plumes, braid, brass and grey,
red, red, remembrance day.
- Riveting imagery

Enjoyed.

Very good, smiffey. Maybe a couple of rhythmic glitches, but on the whole a good poem

The final question is possibly - forgive me, but I have to say this - a little faux-naïf of you. There are always reasons. I'm not saying they're always good reasons, but that's a matter of opinion.

Cheers

David

Yes very apt for this time of the year, spot on.

I got the drum beat in this one, too. I think the idea of the questionning dead is very thought provoking.

Kimibob, Arunansu, Mbc & Ian P- thanks.

David - thanks. When you're next passing, can you point out the rhythmic glitches. Is it the remember, remember, remember part?

I have to take issue over the 'faux-naïf' point (1.faux-naïf - marked by a pretense of simplicity or innocence; disingenuous. –noun. 2. a person who shrewdly affects an attitude or pose of simplicity or innocence).

The ending may strike that chord and may also appear exceptionally cliched but I felt that when it comes down to the basics, that really is the question that the relatives would ask - let alone the dead themselves.

I appreciate the reasons for war are endless and by not asking the simple question 'why', it somehow legitamises the ceremonial acceptance.I also think it implies that there will never be an end to war (possibly a fact but a scary one). But just to give another perspective, if my child was run over by a bus, I wouldn't cradle my child in my arms and say - well I understand that the bus's brakes were faulty and there was an additional element of aquaplaning that cause his/her death. I would say for god's sake, why did it have to be my child, why.

I didn't intend it to be a deliberate oversimplification just to try and finish the piece off neatly - honest guv.

Cheers
Smiffey

A very good riposte, smiffey. I accept your reasoning.

Yes, it is the remember, remember part, although I think there's also a problem - try saying it aloud - with L2. Unless I'm saying it wrong.

Cheers

David

We of such an uneventful life, (smiffey)

Can bring such strikingly beautiful words to life;

Such is your passion unmatched, of men and women so,

Who’s only contribution to life was their death,

Your literary labors has given life, the poem had such surface

Subtle links, excelled in description of interment, is though,

they rise up and live. tool

Hi tool,

Many thanks & I guess we do live a better life in some respects.

Cheers
Smiffey

Hi Smiffey,

Brave move here - it's a tough theme to address without straying into cliche or sentimentality. And, to be perfectly honest, I'm not 100% sure you've made it, though I do think you have a couple of nice lines.

One technical point - you probably want (in my view) to avoid mixing adjective and noun like this:

Sombre, silence, special corps,

The following

Sombre, silent, special corps,

sounds just as good, and is technically correct.

All the best
peter

Hi Peter,

Thanks for the critique. Yes you are quite right 'sombre, silent, special corps' is correct.

I had meant that it was a 'sombre silence' and then I put a comma in to try and give the piece a 'left, right, left' feel and totally forgot what I was doing. I have ammended it as you suggested.

Cheers
Smiffey