Poetry Forum

(still experimenting, hesitant to call them one-line haiku.)

summer sun if you’d save some rays for winter

--

divorced photos all turned face down

--

spring rain trees grass all one green

--

even a filthy pond sees white cranes

summer sun if you’d save some rays for winter
- I can easily break it into:

summer sun
if you’d save
some rays for winter

I feel the in your one line haiku there's more drama, it starts as if one is addressing the "summer sun". To me, note it might be me only, this is a successful one line haiku.

divorced photos all turned face down
can be either:

divorced
photos all turned
face down

OR,

divorced photos
all turned
face down

But in the linear representation, you may read it as "divorced photos all", "turned face down". Again, a lot more thrill. Another winner.

spring rain trees grass all one green
To me, this is the best of the lot.

spring rain
trees grass
all one green

But when in one line: spring, rain ,trees, grass, ALL one green
-Beautiful!

even a filthy pond sees white cranes

even a filthy pond
sees
white cranes

OR,

even
a filthy pond sees
white cranes

When in a line: even a filthy pond / sees white cranes
I feel this has more Senryu-influence. I'm not exactly sure.

Thanks for sharing. And I'm myself a novice regarding this. So whatever I have said, feel free to ignore! Smiles.

HI Lake,
not all that familiar with one- line Haiku's, but I think that the one's you have done are very good. They evoke mood and emotion effectively.

Wow, Aru! Thank you for your thoughtful reading and detailed comment.

arunansu wrote:summer sun if you’d save some rays for winter
- I can easily break it into:

summer sun
if you’d save
some rays for winter

I feel the in your one line haiku there's more drama, it starts as if one is addressing the "summer sun". To me, note it might be me only, this is a successful one line haiku.

It might be too dramatic for the simplicity of a haiku? Usually, haiku is quiet.

arunansu wrote: divorced photos all turned face down
can be either:

divorced
photos all turned
face down

OR,

divorced photos
all turned
face down

But in the linear representation, you may read it as "divorced photos all", "turned face down". Again, a lot more thrill. Another winner.

spring rain trees grass all one green
To me, this is the best of the lot.

spring rain
trees grass
all one green

But when in one line: spring, rain ,trees, grass, ALL one green
-Beautiful!

One-line haiku offers multiple readings. I'm glad to see how you read it.

arunansu wrote:even a filthy pond sees white cranes

even a filthy pond
sees
white cranes

OR,

even
a filthy pond sees
white cranes

When in a line: even a filthy pond / sees white cranes
I feel this has more Senryu-influence. I'm not exactly sure.

This one wants to show there's life, beauty everywhere if one has a discerning eye...

Thank you for your excellent reading. I'm impressed.

Lake

Thank you, kim for your read and comment. Glad you've read something in these lines.

Best,

Lake

even
a filthy pond sees
white cranes

Your lines were very pleasant, all of them. I liked the last one best. Gazelle

Enjoyed these Lake, partic the divorced photos and filthy pond.

Some good insights from aru.

elph

Nice one liners. Some are very strong in their own right, and would grace a longer piece.
Favourite has to be "divorced photos all turned face down", very strong.

Hi Gazelle,

Thank you for reading. Glad they sound pleasant to you and you liked the last one best.

Thanks,
Lake

Hello Elphin,

I'm happy you came to read and enjoyed it. And you liked the "unpleasant" ones more.

Best,

Lake

Hi zootsuitmod ,

Thank you for reading and commenting. Glad you think some are strong and worth extending to a long piece.
I'll keep it in mind that next time when there are good lines I'll try to build a longer one on them.

Cheers,

Lake