Poetry Forum

There is a dream before the storm
I saw my daddy work to be man
of passion and appetite, enjoyable in manner.
Then the smoke of the economic mystic
turned the minutes to ample tears.
It is the salesman cock-full of mastery of his craft.

The vanity, the simple walk
hand in hand in honorable elevation,
innocent in his antiquarian ways, now
starved eyes face the cold looks of
forfeited estates, multiple bills
that wean his innocent on bankruptcy.
It is the salesman cock-full of mastery of his craft.

The abrasions of love seems to be
the stronger sentence, and those
eccentricities as a builder in private
nights single sitting, when the
shadowy becomes your private tutor
on how you should live your life.
It is the salesman cock-full of mastery of his craft.

Its all to do with self image so people
can socially validate your freckles.
With fastidious polish the salesman front,
that which is rare in fascination, then
marched into poverty and controversy
because his endeavors, are worth a profit.
It is the salesman cock-full of mastery of his craft


Who is the keeper of love?
Who bought it to the notice of men?
It’s puts a spell on you, wide is its popularity.
It is nothing but a scroll of gold parchment
that has tread many a worn path,
that it becomes so influential on men and women.
It is the salesmen cock-full of mastery of his craft.


Lover’s sunlight blinds all eyes
in the ultimate fruit, is immortal
life by face lift, all preformed by
the economic mystic, cock –full of mastery.
And left on their face is his sperm, and its women who clean up the mess.

tool

tool,

good morning, this is much to process for my sleepy head! I will come back but wanted to say, well done. The intensity of the cycle and the reslentlessness of work life comes thorugh in the structure. It is quite a mouthful. You have a lot to say, like a man with liters of paint and looking for a canvas to use. It is a treat to see ideas put into words. I wll be back to be more poem specific.

later,
Suzanne

Gavin,when you do exercise a little control you come up with fine stuff. Though I shouldn't want to see you become all restrained and proper. Great phrases in here, my favourite is " It's all to do with self image so people can socially validate your freckles" and "The abrasions of love seem to be the stronger sentence...".
I thought the first 4 verses were great, the last 2 not so good, don't think you need that last one at all.

HI,
quite a poem,there are some wonderful images here and I like the use of repetition of the last line. I agree with Ray that you could perhaps condense it a bit. I feel that the last two stanzas could be a poem in their own right as they sway a little away from the main theme. Last stanza was a good read for me.
It is a very thoughtful piece and on the whole, well constructed. Like this a lot!
Kimi

tool,

I had forgotten that I said I would come back to this. I am sorry.
Reading the replies that followed, I hope you can see this is an interesting piece.

My biggest suggestion would be to go through and take out some of the "the"'s and extra words- change word order, shortening it up but leave most of the ideas as they are... if possible. Also, I agree with Ray that the last section could be left off. I tis a good statement with some sort of personal passion behind it but it is almost adding another chapter/new idea to the poem.

I also think that the strongest section is the third and I would begin there, changing tenses or flow.. then go into your daddy....

It is a strong poem and interesting view of the world. Depending on how hard you like to polish or edit, this is one that is worth your time.

Enjoyed it again,
Suzanne

Wow, this a powerful poem full of lovely imagery, I normally break poems to see the whole I did not need to for this one,
well done.
Thankyou
Ian.

This is powerful and I could feel the lines

sorry every body about not getting back to you lot;

but my head went to another place replete with maddness;

your enquirys obout the finished product is being rowed down

stream very slowly and taken in;

one can be an increase or decay;

thank you tool

ray miller wrote:Gavin,when you do exercise a little control you come up with fine stuff. Though I shouldn't want to see you become all restrained and proper. Great phrases in here, my favourite is " It's all to do with self image so people can socially validate your freckles" and "The abrasions of love seem to be the stronger sentence...".
I thought the first 4 verses were great, the last 2 not so good, don't think you need that last one at all.

I completely agree, especially about the last verse.

Your refrain - It is the salesman cock-full of mastery of his craft - is terrific.

Cheers

David