Poetry Forum

Snake Spite

She saw with narrow eyes the tempt upon her lips,
camouflaged with red slick glistening snail trail
of concupiscence, streaked carelessly across.

That telltale smudge leered hideous and raw,
brought out the reptile tongue, envious and sharp
as glass, it lashed out quick and licked.

The taste of desperate made her spit and
open wide her continuous jaw.
She swallowed whole the jealous want,
shed her skin and went looking for more


She saw with narrow eyes
the tempt upon her lips,
camouflaged with red slick
glistening snail trail of concupiscence,
streaked carelessly across.

That telltale smudge leered hideous and raw,
brought out the reptile tongue,
envious and sharp as glass,
it lashed out quick
and licked.

The taste of desperate
made her spit and open wide her
continuous jaw.

She swallowed whole the jealous wont,
shed her skin and,

went looking for more



redone and a bit more like they way I should have posted it! Oops!!!

Yikes!
Damn reptiles.

lol.

I never do this but, I did it. I really hope you enjoy the idea of someone arranging rather than find offence.
It was so very pleasant to say aloud,
I would break it up like this:


She saw with narrow eyes
the tempt upon her lips,
camouflaged with
red slick glistening snail trail of concupiscence,
streaked carelessly across.

That telltale smudge leered hideous and raw,
brought out the reptile tongue,
envious and sharp as glass,
it lashed out quick and licked.

The taste of desperate
made her spit
and open wide her continuous jaw.

She swallowed whole the jealous want,
shed her skin

and went looking for more.


Great.
Suzanne

Hi,
you know what? I posted the wrong edit and didn't realise! The way you have arranged the poem is far more like the way I have done it. Many thanks for making me see the error of my ways. Shall post the proper version a.s.a.p!
Kimibob

Hi Kimi,

I see two versions here, which is the original?

It's very vivid and also kind of gruesome. Especially liked "it lashed out quick /and licked", as if I saw her doing it.

"The taste of desperate", can 'desperate' be used as a noun after a preposition?

Thanks for the rare experience.

Lake

Lake wrote:"The taste of desperate", can 'desperate' be used as a noun after a preposition?

Yes, that's what I was wondering. The use of "tempt" and "want" also seems quite odd.

Still and all, a good vivid picture of (I surmise) a predatory lady. A job well done, if not a particularly sisterly one.

Cheers

David

Hi Lake and David,
The original version is the first one, but I had no intention of posting it, but did. The second was the edit I intended to post!
I have no idea if you can use 'desperate' after a preposition, but I have, as I liked the way it sounded and conveyed the character of the piece. Hey, if you can't bend the rules in poetry, when can you?
Don't know why I cant use 'tempt' and 'want' in the same poem, could you explain why please? To tempt is to entice, to want is to desire to possess something. I clearly have done something wrong, just not sure what.

Thank you for your comments, much appreciated,
Kimibob

Kimibob - it's not about the use of "tempt" and "want" in the same poem - clearly different words that do different things, quite correctly - it's the way you use them (although I suspect you'll also claim poetic immunity on these two) - "the tempt upon her lips" and "the jealous want" are just quite odd constructions.

But, if you like them, you keep them.

Cheers

David

Hi David,
thanks for getting back. I have much to learn! I would never 'claim immunity' on writing badly as I have done here. Thank you for putting me straight. Will think of a way to keep the feel of the piece without using 'tempt' and 'want'. To be honest, I thought it was a 'fun' piece not to be taken too seriously. I just wanted to explore how jealousy manifests itself in certain types of people.

Thanks again,
Kimibob