Poetry Forum

Yearning

For some the scent of chemicals
release the feral germ and send
it snarling forward, fearless and untamed.

For others, a gentle wisp of hope
brushes against a forlorn cheek
and brings a blush of well-sealed fate.

For a few the seed will never grow,
a parched and barren field of want,
a gargoyle looking down on those

who feel the throw of rice and
suffer solo the ache of desolate,
whilst grinning through empty eyes.


New edited version

For some the scent of chemicals
releases the feral germ and sends
it snarling forward, fearless and untamed.

For others, a gentle wisp of hope
brushes against a forlorn cheek
and brings a blush of well-sealed fate.

For a few the seed will never grow,
a parched and barren field of want,
a gargoyle looking down on those

who feel the throw of rice and
suffer solo the ache of the desolate,
whilst grinning through empty eyes.

So well painted, Kimibob. I just love S1 and S2:

For others, a gentle wisp of hope
brushes against a forlorn cheek
and brings a blush of well-sealed fate

Excellent use of imagery in S3 and S4. Wonderfully expressed. Enjoyed.

Hi,
thank you for your comments, glad you liked the piece. Always enjoy hearing your thoughts and reading your poems!
Kimi

I like this, kimibob.

You need to watch your compound nouns, though. "The scent of chemicals" is a singular one, despite the fact that it ends in "chemicals" (a plural), so you need "releases" and "sends" to agree with it.

Also, forgive me for banging on about this, but "the ache of desolate" is another of those weird constructions you use on occasion. I think it was Peter (arian) who pointed out that adjectives tend not to be used like that. Grammatically - which is quite a different thing from poetically, of course, but they're not mutually exclusive - you might say "the ache of desolation" or "the ache of the desolate".

Biblical allusion in S3? Not sure where the gargoyle came from.

Still. Good one.

Cheers

David

Hi David,
thanks for pounding me on the head about my slack use of grammar. I am a lazy sod at times and didn't really look at this piece too closely. I am still fairly new to the poetry thing, but thanks to you and others I hope I am improving. I certainly am learning a lot!
The gargoyle reference is to tie in with the rice, and the idea of weddings. Most churches have them and I wanted to tie in with the last line, so the reader gets an image of a grinning gargoyle and a person smiling through melancholy. Well, that's what I wanted to try and do.

Have edited the poem with your suggestions used.
I've learnt more from my few weeks on this forum than the many years I spent in education. Either that, or I just didn't pay attention when I was there!!!

Thanks again, great feedback,
Kimi

Ah, I get the gargoyle now. I think I'd worked out that the rice was at a wedding, I just didn't connect the gargoyle to it.

I liked this a lot."a gargoyle looking down on those who feel the throw of rice and suffer solo the ache of the desolate" especially good.Well crafted.

HI Ray,
thank you for your encouraging comments, means a lot. I'm learning and hope that I'm getting better. Still a ways to go!

Cheers,
Kimibob

you seem to stick with the meaning and explode I think this is good not different but good.


It is hard to tell deep at times......you really have to work...the time given to you

can be sudden to us all

the planets rule........

it speakes because she must

cheers

Hi Lovely.
thank you for your comments. You will be relieved to know that I have not exploded. Not sure what you mean by it not being different, different to what?

Is it hard to 'tell deep'? Is my poem deep? No. Not everything is, not everything has to be to be 'good'. I will try to follow your advice and 'you really have to work', I know that my poems are not all that good and I know that I have a long way to go before I can call myself a poet. I am learning and I dare say always will.

Shall not post any more poems until I feel they are up to some kind of standard.

Thanks again,
Kimi

kimibob wrote: Shall not post any more poems until I feel they are up to some kind of standard.

You're doing fine as it is, Kimi. Carry on posting!

Cheers

David

Hey Kimi please don't stop posting. I love your poems.
Look at some of the shite I put on. I can't write anything like you, I wish that I could.
Please believe in yourself, you offer so much. It's been said that I write greetibgs cards, lol, but I'm not going to be put off.
Keep em coming Kimi.

as ray said a good write well crafted

tool

Hmmm... the difference between an article and thing is quite simple to master, Mr Tool.

The former being a collection of things. Much alike a social disease, actually. Whereas the later is/ought not to be the, nor us, nor of we inferences.

While I like it, it reads like a local Polly Pony on the platform of making rhetorical pledges to his legions only... AGAIN!

What I am saying is to make it more personal and concise.

signed
rootbeet

PS: even as a child I'd demand a plastic sheet over my Carousel Pony or Swan