Poetry Forum

Getting off


Stepping away from the train
in a bitter draft of emotion, she shuddered;
muscles tightened to regain her balance.

The resilience of her tattered Innocence
bore down on the rails as it followed
its set course out of her line of sight.

Alone on a new platform,
she would not be taken for another ride.


She retied her shoes.






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Original

She stepped away from the train,
draft of emotion strong enough
to cause her to lightly stumble.

The resilience of her tattered Innocence
bore down on the rails as it followed
its set course out of her line of sight.

Now, alone on a new platform,
she would not be taken for another ride.


She retied her shoes.



.

Great choice of words, specially in S2.

The resilience of her tattered Innocence
bore down on the rails as it followed
its set course out of her line of sight
- Love the lines.

she would not be taken for an other ride
-Wonderful, but "another" or "an other"? Both may work, though.


Beautiful write, Suzanne. Love the imagery. Good ending and aptly titled.

Nil carborundum, as my dad used to say.

I love the last three lines, Suzanne. Not so sure about 'lightly stumble' - it's quite a hard phrase to say and a bit of a strange image. Stick with that resilience!

Ros

Suzanne

I love the underlying message........and agree to an extent with the comment about "lightly stumble" but personally will go a step further
and try to urge you take a step back from the informative execution of the lines which is more narrative in style to the richer
visual manner of delivery that I've observed in other work you have posted. I thought the closing was very clever as I could imagine
a lot of additional elements around that statement which I felt to be a strongly symbolic action.

Very nice piece which I think you can play around with at your leisure if you are inclined to do so
and I am not implying it's weak in the current way you have it, just that I feel there is more
output available that could be capitalised upon.

Dalena x

We all must find our own destination, just a case of how many stations we stop on the way.

I enjoyed this very much.

Hi Suzanne, this is an interesting idea. I agree re lightly stumble.
S2 feels like there’s a lot of words crammed in there and it feels a little confused. I wonder about cutting it back to
Her tattered Innocence
bore down on the rails as it left
her line of sight.

I like the ending but… it creates the impression that she fell because her shoes were untied (so she brings it on herself), whereas the first stanza (for me) creates the impression that the emotion was coming from outside of her. Maybe you could strengthen one of these viewpoints?
Sharra
xx

Thanks everyone,

Please allow me to be brief today and just say thank you.
I have incorporated many of the wonderful suggestions.

Warmly,
Suzanne

Powerful read.

You desribe situations well. Stamping feet and shaking hair filled with
electricity and this is nice poetry Suzanne

good stuff

Hey had to read this through a couple of three times to get it, i enjoyed it, reminds me of a trip i had to Sheffield LOL