After

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
Post Reply
User avatar
anniecat
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 504
Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 1:12 pm
Location: Derby

Sun Dec 27, 2009 12:23 pm

Smoke hangs in the air
curtains still closed,
over full ash trays
plates on the floor,
be very aware
step over bodies,
peer through dark
and on this shut door.
Last edited by anniecat on Wed Dec 30, 2009 5:30 pm, edited 2 times in total.
It always happens when you least expect it. AC
Top
arunansu
Perspicacious Poster
Perspicacious Poster
Posts: 2873
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 3:01 pm
Location: INDIA
Contact:
Contact arunansu

Mon Dec 28, 2009 6:51 am

Innovative. I can relate to the setting. Well crafted piece.
Top
User avatar
anniecat
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 504
Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 1:12 pm
Location: Derby

Mon Dec 28, 2009 5:31 pm

Thanks for reading this and your good comments.
AC
It always happens when you least expect it. AC
Top
Leigh
Persistent Poster
Persistent Poster
Posts: 207
Joined: Tue Nov 25, 2008 1:31 am

Wed Dec 30, 2009 2:59 pm

I think this reads really well. I enjoy writing where every word seems necessary. Just a suggestion but I'd cut 'the' out of the last line so it would read "and on this shut door".

Cheers.
Top
User avatar
ladyteazle
Posts: 48
Joined: Sun Mar 02, 2008 4:15 pm
Location: Birmingham

Wed Dec 30, 2009 5:05 pm

'Bodies'?

I like the ambiguity regarding the bodies... are they dead or just sleeping? A party or something more sinister?

Good job.
"The feel of not to feel it." - Keats
Top
User avatar
anniecat
Prolific Poster
Prolific Poster
Posts: 504
Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 1:12 pm
Location: Derby

Wed Dec 30, 2009 5:28 pm

Thanks guys, Leigh yes i have cut out the (the) it reads better without.
And Lady Teazle, bodies sounds about correct, many thanks. AC
It always happens when you least expect it. AC
Top
Post Reply

Return to “Post-a-Poem (Beginners)”